


Let Go, I’ve Got You

by Missalyssasecret



Series: Not Casual At All [5]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, Friendship/Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nipple Play, Porn with Feelings, Rimming, Rough Sex, Wall Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-03-08 23:03:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missalyssasecret/pseuds/Missalyssasecret
Summary: Roy will always give Danny what he needs, even if it’s something he won’t do for anyone else.  The epic story of their first time and exactly how they ended up with their unconventional arrangement.Like all of the best relationships, contains a mixture of hurt and joy.  Angst and heavy emotions ahead, but I promise it will all be worth it - tears, fears, and a whole lot of love.





	1. Lost my crown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-All Stars 2

Adore texts Bianca at 8:13 pm to say that she left All Stars.  It’s brief, not even a full sentence, and fills Bianca with unease.

Bianca knows without asking that there's more to it than a blown challenge or some other slip up.She had her reservations when Adore got the call inviting her back - her inability to deal with the fallout after losing her dad foremost - but ultimately deciding that it wasn’t her decision to make.There had been a whirlwind of preparations, followed by what Bianca expected to be a full two months of radio silence.

He’s in L.A. because Bianca is booked to host that weekend and he has meetings downtown, and doesn’t think twice about arranging for a car to pick Danny up in Azusa and drop him at his rental because he’s in no shape to drive.

Roy texts Bonnie and lets her know that he’s going to look after Danny.He promises to keep him as sober as possible and gives her the information for his manager and his assistant in case she needs to reach him when he doesn’t have his phone.

Instead of saying anything that might be the wrong thing, he just hugs Danny when he meets him at the curb and stays silent.  Everything about him is turned inward, like he’s slowly bleeding to death from an invisible wound.  Back in the mostly empty house, he sits them down on the couch and finds a mindless movie for background noise and just lets him be, staring blankly at the screen and clutching Roy’s hand with white knuckles.  

An hour and a half later, Danny finally says something.It's not about All Stars.

“I was so fucking mad at him.”  His voice is rough, the sound of a throat raw with unshed tears.  “All the time, for not being around and all the shit he put Mom through.For not wanting me.  Never wanted me...”

Roy carefully reaches for the remote and switches the TV off.

“And now...now-“ There’s an angry set to his face and Roy braces himself for the oncoming storm.

“What if they’re right about me not being a real drag queen?Like if all anyone thinks is that I’m lazy...this is everything, but it doesn’t matter if no one understands it.  I can’t right now.I can’t -“ His voice breaks, but instead of crying or yelling, Danny kneels to face him on the couch and rests both hands on Roy’s knees.“What do I do, B?”

He takes those hands, feeling the quiver running through Danny’s fingers, knotted with tension.

“What do you need?”


	2. Impossible Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty angst.

Danny's been keeping things bottled up for months, between not really dealing with the fact that his dad is gone and the same what-am-I-doing-with-my-life crisis that all twenty-somethings go through, amplified by celebrity and self-doubt.Roy knows their relationship was complicated at best and downright painful most of the time, but Danny is so, so young and not ready or mature enough to understand that nothing is simple.  There's probably nothing he can say about the situation that isn't going to come off as either patronizing or insincere, and it makes his chest ache.  

Danny lets out a bitter laugh, tinged with an edge of tears.“I want to get drunk or high or find someone to fuck so I don’t have to think about it.How I'm a fucking failure and now everyone is going to see it.”

He can see Danny’s wall buckling under the pressure of holding back the anger and grief and pain.Danny’s been so good staying away from things, and he’s not going to enable him to start again.There’s restless energy building just under the surface, close to burning him up from the inside and self-destructing.  If they stay in and drink, it's not going to end until one or both of them is blackout drunk.  If he sends him out into the night, even if he goes with him, there's too much of a chance that something will go wrong.Living dangerously across Europe was one thing, but here in West Hollywood?It could spell disaster.Not just for Adore and her career, but for Danny.

Roy keeps his voice carefully neutral.“I don’t think either of those is a good idea right now.And I’m not sure I’d trust some random.Not tonight.”

There's something on Danny's mind that he's clearly struggling with, despair and hope warring on his face. 

“I wish...” 

“Wish what, my love?”The endearment slips past his lips without thinking.It’s the same thing he’s called dozens, hundreds of fans and PA’s and event staff over the years, but it’s different with Danny.Always different. 

"I want to not feel all this shit.  Just for a little bit.  And yeah, maybe if I get off hard enough it'll help.  But...it's like, I want to **_be_** with someone tonight."  Danny is giving him a strange look, but for once Roy can't decipher it.  "I wanna know that they're not going to post it all over the internet or act all weird because they think they know me but really only want Adore.  'Cuz I want them to care about me for real.  You know?" 

"Is there someone who..." Roy trails off, not sure how to finish the question out loud.

_Who you can fuck the way you need and won't regret in the morning._

_Who can take care of you better than me._

_Who I can trust._

A sinking feeling squeezes his heart even as he laces their fingers together.That’s the one thing he can't give him, because Danny doesn't want him.  Not like that.  Not when he's not high out of his mind.  

They don’t talk about that night months ago.  Roy doesn't think Danny even remembers coming on to him and isn’t going to bring it up either.  Most likely, Danny doesn't recall anything from that night at all, but there's always the possibility he doesn't  ** _want_** to remember it.  And if that's the case, Roy isn't sure his heart can handle knowing why.  

In the time since the tour ended and Adore’s downward spiral came to a shrieking halt, they’re even closer than before.   Adore needs Bianca and Danny needs Roy most as a friend and not a fuck buddy.Or maybe it's the other way around.  Everything was as close to normal as it could be for two drag queens who were sort of but not really famous, normal between them.  They share _I love you_ ’s easily, talk about anything and everything. Almost everything.

Except sometimes, when Danny presses up against him with the entire length of his body or casually snuggles into his shoulder, Roy remembers what it feels like to kiss him.  

Tonight really, really isn't the right time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When did Danny kiss Roy? Stay tuned, that's coming up next.


	3. Don't look down, it's a long, long way to fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recognize the title of this chapter? It's a lyric from "High Flying Adored" and seemed appropriate for multiple reasons, including Bianca's Evita gown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More angst ahead. Implied drug use, and can be interpreted as potentially questionable consent (it's not taken as such, but is objectively there).

_ Early 2015 _

The first time they really kiss, Adore is high off her head on party drugs and they're in the middle of the Battle of the Seasons tour.  She’s been drowning her sorrows in alcohol and various illegal substances to the point that it’s less painting a fresh face every night than covering up the dark circles and smudged makeup from the night before.  It's a bad spiral, and Bianca has seen queens ruin their lives with less.

Bianca spent the evening making sure Adore was on stage when she needed to be and following her around backstage to keep her out of trouble.  Behaviors that were normally fondly exasperating lose their charm when she's disconnected like this.  She's so out of it that she doesn't even pick up on Bianca (literally) stalking her from bathroom to back alley to dressing room and back again.   It’s exhausting and infuriating, so when Adore announces her intention to go clubbing afterwards, glassy eyes unable to focus, Bianca snaps at her and storms back to their room alone without even stopping to de-drag.

All of the other girls steer clear as she and her makeup cases plow down the hallway at speed, avoiding the murderous look she gives anything and anyone who gets in her way.  Manila reaches out tentatively before snatching her hand back when Bianca turns the full force of her glare her direction.  It's not until the door shuts behind her and the cases land with a bang on the table that Bianca allows the pent-up storm of emotion free.  Kicking her shoes off with more force than she would ever tolerate treating them otherwise, her fishnets snag on the carpet and rip right up the seam when she tries to pull them free.  It's the last blow to her control.  

The feeling of helplessness threatens to drown her, watching Adore but powerless to protect her from herself.  A sound that's part sob and mostly frustrated anguish echoes in the empty space.  Chest heaving, Bianca throws a pillow across the room before slamming her hands against the wall hard enough that the generic landscape hung above the bed rattles itself askew.

The searing pain in her palms brings her back to reality.  In the mirror, her reflection stares back with angry tears running down her face in grey streaks and painted lips trembling.  It's a face very few people would recognize, a far cry from the usual poised professionalism.  

It takes several tries to hang up the velvet gown and unzip the corset because his hands are shaking so badly.  Roy forces one deep breath after another until he's no longer gasping for air, then sets about removing Bianca with the right amount of care.  The methodical routine goes a long way towards soothing his raw nerves, even though his head jerks towards the door every time he hears footsteps in the hall, hoping it's Adore and he can...not apologize, because he's not _wrong_  to be angry, but be sure that she's safe.      

He lies awake for hours after he’s washed the last of Bianca off, regretting his short temper and worrying that Adore is unconscious on a sidewalk somewhere in the city, a prime target to be mugged or worse. When the door finally bangs open, he’s halfway to his feet before Adore is more than two steps into the room, relieved to see her fully dressed and seemingly unscathed.  He doesn't say anything, just watches carefully as she stumbles in.

Danny emerges from under the torn T-shirt and glitter, smiling a little vacantly as he approaches and backs Roy against the bed.There’s a frown creasing his nose, and he doesn’t stop moving until he’s straddling Roy’s lap.

“M’sorry,” he slurs out, arms looped around Roy’s shoulders.“Sorry, B...I’m a fucked - fuh...fucking mess.”

He’s not sure what to say to that, running what he hopes is a soothing hand down Danny’s back even as his instincts scream for him to hold on as tightly as possible.  The pulse in his neck is visible, racing under a sheen of damp skin.

“You’re so...so good for me.”Danny is still talking, now nuzzling their faces together.  He smells like sweat and spilled cocktails.  “Thanks.For being.Caring ‘bout me.”

Adore’s mascara is crumbling over Danny’s temples and there’s still plum colored lipstick smeared around his mouth.  His hair is a tangled mess that really needed washing about three days ago.  

He's so beautiful it hurts.

Roy sighs, debating whether anything he says will matter in the morning.He opens his mouth to reply and then Danny is kissing him, sloppy tongue and the taste of cigarettes and alcohol burning hot in his mouth.  

They’ve shared a few friendly kisses, small touches hello and goodbye or thank you, but this is something else.Danny comes alive, squirming in his lap, hands tugging at his shirt, and Roy is suddenly and painfully aware of the erection digging into his stomach with only a few layers of cloth separating them.   He tries to pull away and ends up flat on his back, pinned under Danny who grinds their hips together and moans into his ear.  

He’s not blind - Danny is incredibly attractive and talented, and if he were stone cold sober, Roy would consider letting him continue.  More than consider.  They'd have to talk about how it would change their relationship, but the chemistry has always been there.  Except right now he’s far from it, pupils blown so wide open that there’s barely any iris left.  

Somehow, he rolls them over, knees clamped to either side of his thighs and gritting his teeth when Danny’s hand slides into his boxers and gropes his dick.  The scrape of stubble against his bare chest is intensely erotic as a tongue traces along his collarbone, Danny panting against his damp skin.

“Dan...”His boy name never sounds right and feels foreign to his tongue.“Adore, hey...please, you need to stop.”  

Danny is shaking his head no, pulling him back down with a surprisingly strong grip in his hair and sucking open-mouthed kisses to his throat.   

“You’re not thinking straight.”His body is reminding Roy that he hasn’t had more than the occasional quick trade in months, and it would be so easy to give in.He’s already well on the way to half-hard in spite of how very fucked up the situation is.

“I wanna thank you,” Danny is mumbling against his mouth, somewhere between crying and bitter laughter.“You love me.  Always love me.  An’ I wanna forget.”

"Adore...we can't do this."  

High as a kite or not, Danny’s fingers are sending shivers of lust that he can feel in his balls and it’s a struggle to stay focused until he thinks about what could have happened if Danny went home with a stranger while he's in this state.

“Don’t you want me?"  He's aware enough to realize that Roy's dick has gone soft in his hand and his lower lip trembles, tears shining bright in his eyes.  "Ev’rone wants me.”

The last sentence makes Roy’s blood run cold and snaps him into motion.Danny’s already unhealthy coping mechanisms are dangerous enough.He’s not going to let him make another bad decision.

"Don' you love me?"

Roy wrestles a pillow between their hips and carefully holds Danny’s arms against his chest as tears of confused rejection run down his face and he ruts up against the sheets, trying to ignore the delicious friction and impassioned moans.  Danny is begging, pleading with him in a voice that sounds like all of the dirtiest, messiest, best sex Roy has ever had, whispers straight out of his most private fantasies.

_'ll be so good for you._

_Lemme suck your cock._

_Wanna make you come._

_'Lways wanna fuck you._

_Anythin’ you want._

_Need you._

_Love you._

_Please..._   

All he can do is bury his face against Danny's neck and hold on tighter, whispering _I do love you_ and  _shhhhhh_ over and over.  

What feels like an hour later, Danny finally slips into a fitful sleep and Roy locks himself in the bathroom.He leans on the sink and stares at himself in the mirror, face flushed and bruises in the shape of Danny’s teeth forming over his throat. Turning away, he tries not to feel guilty for imagining what it could be like if Danny was sober enough to say yes, even though he knows it wouldn’t matter because he would never...

He hopes their friendship will survive this tour.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be clear: I absolutely am *not* suggesting that Danny has ever actually acted this way.


	4. Confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be one mega chapter (we’re getting to the whole point of the story), but I had to break it into multiple parts to do each one justice. Thank you all for your patience!

Roy risks a gentle tease, trying to lower the tension and figure out if there’s someone he can (or should) trust with Danny in such a volatile state.

"Don't tell me it's a girl?"

Instead of evoking a laugh or affirmation though, Danny looks even more upset.Shit.

“Pussyface?”

"...I don't know if he wants me?"

_So there is someone._ Roy is simultaneously relieved and devastated that it’s phrased as a question.

"I think you need to be sure."

"I..." Danny meets his gaze, pleading for him to understand.He can’t look away from those eyes, gold-spun green and filled with trepidation.

"S'okay, you don't have to tell me."

Danny swallows audibly, but doesn't pull away.

"I need to."

He makes a gentle prompting noise, thumbs rubbing soothing circles over the backs of Danny's hands. 

“Okay.”

"See, it's like- I need to tell you because I need you to understand and be okay with it."

In that moment, Roy is sure he doesn’t really want to know. 

"Does he at least.I mean, you're friends, right?" 

Danny’s lips curve into a tiny smile and it takes all of Roy's control to stay calm as a cold fist squeezes his chest and flares hot with jealousy for whomever is able to put that expression on Danny's face. 

"Yeah.He's- he's just, yeah.Someone I can really trust." 

"I'm sure he," Roy's heart breaks a little more, "...if you trust him and you're friends, then...yeah." 

“It’s complicated.”

"You're not usually quiet about this kind of stuff.Why not just ask him?"

_Anyone Danny wants would be a fool to reject him._

" 'Cuz if he doesn't, I don't know what I'll do.I just, if it fucks things up between us, I can’t.”

If it's something Danny needs, he has to set aside his own conflicted feelings.A thought hits him then."He's available, right?"

"It’s not that simple.”

”Sometimes being direct works.”

”When’s the last time someone randomly asked if you were single?”

Roy sighs.

”No one asks me that.”

”But you are?”

”Last I checked, yeah.”

Danny is giving him an odd look, so he drops that idea and moves back into familiar territory.

“Tell me what you need.”

He’s never been able to successfully deny Danny anything that he truly wants or needs, even if he doesn’t know how to ask for it.

”Is it someone I know?”

His own pain is something else entirely.

“It’s- it’s not that.Fuck, how am I supposed to...”

"I can leave while you call or text or whatever.If that helps."

"No!" Danny looks even more distressed and tugs him back down when Roy goes to stand. 

_Okay_ .

Sliding closer, he tips his head forward until their foreheads are resting together.It’s something they’ve done a hundred times when the conversation is significant or difficult, when words might not be enough.Roy’s always found comfort in the gesture, the trust it implies to shrink the world down to their tiny bubble of space.It’s helped him help Danny through so many things - and occasionally the reverse - but for the first time he’s afraid he might not be able to.

“I’m scared.”For once, he doesn’t poke fun at Danny using one of Adore’s signature phrases.

“Of?”

“What if you aren’t okay with it?”  Danny’s growing more agitated with every passing second, breathing speeding up.

_Oh fuck_ .Is it someone they both know?Is Danny about to tell him that he wants, needs Shane?He's the only person that Roy could even remotely imagine Danny might be reluctant to talk about given their friendship.

“Promise I will be.You know that.Give me a name at least-“

Danny cuts him off by pressing their lips together with an urgency that leaves Roy breathless, that he can't help but respond to.He kisses forcefully, biting and licking, holding Roy’s head in place while his tongue makes wicked promises of pleasure.He’s watched Adore make out with lucky fans countless times, but being on the receiving end is like standing in the eye of a raging storm.Roy can’t control the moan that escapes, low and torn from deep in his chest.The lingering salty tang of tears is nothing in comparison to the taste of Danny filling his mouth and setting his senses on fire. 

The kiss ends as abruptly as it started, Danny choking out a noise that’s half sob and half wordless desire.They stare at each other for a moment, frozen in place.Roy sees the panic in his eyes, grabs for and misses Danny's hands as he scrambles off the couch.

He's halfway to the front door by the time he catches up.

"Wait-"

Danny stops in the middle of jamming his feet back into his shoes, shoulders set so tensely that Roy’s own back aches in sympathy.

”Whoa.Talk to me.Please...”Roy risks reaching for his hand, feeling it shake with pent up emotion.

“I need you to tell me what just happened?”

“I wish you and I could be like that," he blurts out."Sometimes.”As soon as the words leave his mouth, Danny looks stricken, trying to pull away again.“I mean...fuck.Fuck.Please don’t be mad.I know you don’t.I just.I'm sorry I just-”

Roy takes a deep breath.It feels like he’s standing on the edge of a precipice, free fall into the unknown on one side and a slide back into pretending everything is normal on the other.There’s a clear path forward, but what happens if they take it?He weighs the potential for consequences, tries to think objectively if this is taking advantage of their friendship.

Danny could easily break free if he wanted to, pull his hand from Roy’s and leave.  And he would have to let him.

Roy knows what he needs (wants) to do.

“What if we could.”He sounds incredibly calm somehow.

“...could?”

“As friends.”

“Do you mean...”. Danny is perfectly still, even though he’s quivering with the effort of holding everything back.

“Yeah.”

"Like..."

"Whatever you need."

”You’ll be with me?”  

Danny’s hesitant tone breaks his heart a little.  He’s done too good of a job hiding the truth behind laughter, protecting Danny from his own feelings.

”Yes.”

“...so you do want...?”

Wordlessly, Roy tugs on their joined hands until Danny is close enough that he can carefully curve his palm against Danny’s jaw, fingertips resting lightly behind his ear.

Neither of them breathes.

He leans in slowly and pauses a handspan away, checking for any signs this isn’t what Danny wants.His heart skips a beat when Danny leans into the touch, eyes falling closed, the space between them filled with desperate longing.When Roy is as sure as he can be, he tilts his head to the side and presses their lips together the way he’s wanted to for years.

It’s nothing like Danny’s urgent neediness a few minutes ago, or the messy desperation he’s tried so hard to forget.This is achingly tender.He scatters feather-light kisses across parted lips, nuzzling his cheek as Danny’s breath hitches.Roy can count the freckles on his nose, commits to memory the way the thick lashes cast shadows against his skin. 

Licking the corner of Danny’s mouth evokes the barest hint of a whimper.Tugging that pouting lower lip with his teeth makes him moan and grab Roy’s hips, tongue darting out to deepen the kiss. 

The soft, wet sounds every time their lips meet is the soundtrack to Roy’s impossible dreams. 

When they pull back this time, Danny traces Roy’s lower lip, thumb brushing over the teethmarks from the first bruising kiss in silent apology.

“...I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“You’re not.” 

“But it will.”

He frowns, waiting.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t, ever.”

“But it won’t be the same.”

“It doesn’t have to change anything.Not if we don’t let it.”

“I...” He stops and starts twice before meeting Roy’s eyes.“I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Can’t...?”

“I mean.I do want to.Just...”

Roy frowns, mentally replaying Danny’s list of ways to release some of the pain, and is positive sex was on the list.Was he mistaken?Did Danny just want a warm body and he happened to be closest?

”Fuck.I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“ he starts to apologize as Danny shakes his head.

“...I don’t think I can.Bottom tonight.”

Ahh.Well.

That does leave them at an impasse, and he wouldn’t ask Danny to put himself in a vulnerable position right now.  There’s really only one option, but Danny wouldn’t know it.   Really though, it's not actually a difficult decision.The thought simultaneously makes his cock twitch against his briefs and scares the living fuck out of him.

He’s about to offer something he never does, not for anyone.Except Danny isn’t just anyone, and he hasn’t been for a while. 

“Just tonight because you need it,” he repeats, willing Danny to understand.

“You mean...?But you never?”They’re more than familiar with each other’s sexual preferences by now, common discussion of hookups in the group chat.And as far as Danny knows, when Roy does take someone to bed he always tops.

“I didn’t say never.I don’t like to.But if it’s what you need, you can-“ Roy huffs out a breath.He’s going to have to explicitly spell it out, as awkward as it might be.“I’ll bottom for you.”

“Oh.Right.”Danny squeezes his fingers tightly.“So-“

They’re interrupted by Danny’s phone ringing, breaking the tension in the room even though he doesn’t make any move to answer it.

“I need to.”Fuck, now that he’s made the decision there’s no way around the next part. “Ummm.Go to the store.”

“You mean-“

“I don’t actually keep stuff around for that next to the toothpaste.”He worries for a moment that his tone was too harsh before he hears the barest whisper of a laugh.

Despite his no-shame attitude about sex, Danny actually blushes even as his eyes grow dark with arousal.

The phone starts ringing again, mercifully rescuing Roy from further explanation.When he retrieves it, Roy can see it’s Chris, and a solution to the problem of what to do with Danny for the next thirty minutes.While he’s not precisely embarrassed, going to the store with an emotionally raw companion showing all the signs of deep distress while buying what he needs probably isn’t the best idea.

“Answer that,” he says, moving towards the door.“I’ll be back in ten.”

It’s eleven thirty.


	5. I'll show you versatility...

There’s a Walgreens two blocks away, and Roy deliberately doesn’t think about what he’s going to do, not exactly.He keeps his mind reviewing the mechanics as objectively as possible, carefully reminding himself that this is Danny and if he was going to ever trust someone be that vulnerable for again, Danny is probably - definitely - at the top of the list.  Hell, he's the only one on the list.

Pun very much not intended.

He picks items from the shelves, expression a study in nonchalance as he pays and ignores the speculative look from the teenage clerk, leaving with a firm, "Thank you."

********

Outside his front door, Roy pauses before unlocking it.He can hear the buzz of one-sided conversation, relieved that it sounds relatively steady.  

“Fucking hell Haylock,” he mutters under his breath, “you’re not curing cancer, it’s sex.”  

The Bianca voice in his head doesn't sound as sure as it usually does.

He turns the key.

It’s eleven forty two.

********

Danny is curled up on the corner of the couch, wrapped in a throw and speaking in a normal tone of voice to Chris about something involving goldfish.He glances up as Roy shuts the door behind himself, eyes questioning, and  Roy thanks his nerves for letting him gesture casually towards the bathroom as if this were a normal occurrence.

The door lock clicks into place, and he can vaguely hear Danny still talking in the living room as he leans back on it for a moment.He starts the shower and steps in, composing his jumbled thoughts and letting his hands work on automatic.

Based on Danny’s emotional state - and frankly, his own - he’s not sure what the night is going to be like and considers the possibilities.  

He can give or take whatever is needed tonight, as long as it's nothing that they can't look each other in the eye about in the morning.  

He can handle rough sex.Anything to fix that broken look, to change the dullness in those eyes back to life, using his body to let Danny know he’s safe and loved.

He _likes_ rough sex, the mutually agreed struggle for dominance that ends in explosive orgasms.  Fucking into someone hard and ensuring their satisfaction before taking his own.  It’s exhilarating...with anyone else.  And with himself firmly on one side of the equation.

Except when he allows himself to imagine it, he always thought (wanted) their first time together would be slow and sensual, learning each other’s bodies and exchanging reassurances.Lying together afterwards, sharing a shower and going again as many times as it took to sate their desires.  Falling into exhausted sleep and waking up together in a way they never had before.  Or even no penetration at all, just kissing and taking turns sucking each other off.  

Admittedly, he'd also considered what it would be like to do... _that._   Roy drops his head against the shower wall with a thump, lips twisting into a wry smile that he's finally getting to have Danny, just not the way either of them would probably have wanted.   He takes his time preparing, forcing calm and thinking ahead to what the next few hours will hold.  There's a strong chance it won’t be much fun on his part, but he knows he's getting into bed with someone who won’t be trying to hurt him.

“It’s...it’s Adore. It’s Danny.I-“ _I love him_ hovers on the tip of his tongue.He’s known it for a while, every time he says it loaded with meaning, but now isn’t the time to deal with his feelings.

It’s ten past midnight when he steps out, wrapped in a towel and greeted by silence.Roy follows the one light still on to his bedroom. 


	6. It bears repeating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but the next one is going to be a doozy. Stay tuned.

Danny is sitting on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with a pillow in his lap and painted in yellow light.It’s a very Bianca behavior, and Roy spares half a smile before moving forward with more calm than he actually feels.

He must have showered while Roy was at the store because his hair is wet, curling at the ends, and he smells like Roy’s soap and shampoo.  Underneath it though, is the scent that always means _Danny._

The blush is back when Danny’s eyes skate over his bare torso, but this time it speaks less of self-consciousness and more of desire.It’s nothing he hasn’t seen dozens of times before, just never in this context. 

Roy settles on the bed next to him, close but not touching yet.

“Still want this?”

“I should be asking you that.”

Danny is fairly vibrating with too much of everything, although his conversation with Chris seems to have helped a little.

”I’m here for you however you need me.  You know that.”  He smiles gently, expression wobbling a little in uncertainty but needing to be sure that Danny understands.

The pillow tumbles onto the floor, Danny’s hands twisting themselves together.  He opens his mouth, closes it again, and Roy waits patiently.  He’s surprised when Danny turns towards him and closes his eyes, rests his forehead against Roy’s cheek with a sigh.

"Will we have to talk about this?...after?"

"I think we should, but it doesn't have to be tonight.And if you're asking, the answer is still yes."

“What if...”

”I trust you.  Maybe not with remembering the wine,” Danny huffs out a chuckle at that, “but for this, yeah.”  

”I can have you.”  It’s more a statement than a question, but he nods anyway.  Danny sounds like he’s tasting the words, as if he’s not accepted them yet.

”You make it sound like...remember, I get to have you too.”

“You’re not only.  Just, I have to know.”

”Mmm?”

”You’re not just doing this because- you’re not gonna be.  We’re not.  We’ll still be friends after?”

Roy knows what he wants to say next, tries to think if it’s what he should tell him.  Decides that Danny deserves the truth.  Except this feels even more raw and intimate than what they’re about to do.  

”I love you, no matter what.  And I’ve wanted you for a very long time.”

There’s the unspoken thing, laid out between them.The world didn’t stop spinning, somehow, with acknowledging it.

“As fast or slow or whatever.  And if you decide to stop, we’ll stop.  Okay?”

Instead of replying, Danny stares down at his hands for a moment before looking back up.  Very gently, he traces the side of Roy’s face with shaking fingers, eyes searching.Danny must find what he needs to see, because he licks his lips before pushing Roy back against the pillows and fastening their mouths together again.

It’s twelve fifteen.


	7. Letting go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kisses and consent, smutty foreplay that eventually turns into rough sex, and the reason Roy doesn’t bottom for anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took over two weeks to come together with editing and moving parts around, and still ended up almost as long as the first six chapters combined. It’s intense and I hope conveys the deep emotional connection these two have.

It's raw passion.

Danny straddles his lap, hands roaming freely and hips rocking together.Roy clutches his shirt and suppresses his instinct to take control of the situation as Danny leaves a trail of messy kisses down the side of his neck, whispering something into the skin that he can't quite hear until he can calm his own breathing enough. 

"- thank you... love you ... m’sorry -"

_Oh_.

“Hey.”  He tugs on Danny’s hair until they’re nose to nose again.  “You don’t have to.  I want this.”

The pupils in his eyes flare open even wider when Roy gives a gentle thrust upwards, half-hard dick meeting Danny’s erection.  He can’t look away as his hands trail down Danny’s back and grip his ass the way he’s wanted to forever, tempted every time Danny walked by in clinging leggings or just his underwear.  It’s exactly as firm and round as he’s imagined when jerking off in the shower, and their hips pick up speed.  The friction from the towel against his slowly filling cock is delicious.

“Fuck...”  They breathe the exclamation into each other’s mouth, Danny’s voice husky with want and Roy’s choked off as clever fingers tease over his nipple.

Danny’s weight on his lap is solid and welcome, but he wants more.  Roy tugs on his shirt until he takes the hint and sits back to pull it off.  He’s filled out in the last few months, jaw softening and ribs no longer sunken in.  Danny hates it, has redoubled his self-critical hog body comments, but to Roy it signals that his body is ready to lose the slender ranginess of neglect.  

He runs his hand down from collarbone to hip, following the dusting of hair across his chest and down his belly.  Adore doesn’t shave her torso half the time, and while it’s not Bianca’s look, he can appreciate the intentional blurring of gender lines.  

“Beautiful.”  The praise is out of his mouth without even realizing it.

Danny ducks his chin in uncharacteristic shyness.

”M’not.  Look at all this-“

”Shut up and accept it, Delano.”  The words have no bite, accompanied by a firm squeeze to the extra flesh on his side.

”It’s not...” Danny trails a finger over Roy’s lips, traces his chin and jaw.  “Not like you.”

Roy’s never hated his slim build, appreciates it when he’s padding out Bianca (no huge shoulders or arms to hide), but no one’s ever looked at his body with the heat burning gold in Danny’s eyes.

Leaning forward, he gives the closest nipple an experimental flick with his tongue, pleased when Danny hums in pleasure.  He uses his grip on Danny’s hip to pull him closer, lavishing open-mouthed kisses over the nub just to hear him continue.  His own are small by comparison and permanently making themselves known under his shirt, but Danny’s nipples seem wonderfully sensitive.

Their cocks grind together and Danny arches forward, thrusting his chest out and holding Roy’s head in place when he starts suckling.  He pulls off a moment later to give the other side the same attention, breath hitching when Danny returns the favor by pinching and rubbing.

His moans are sinfully obscene, surpassing even the best Roy’s imagination could conjure when accompanied by the slide of warm skin under his lips.  Unable to resist, he sucks a bruise into Danny’s collarbone, just out of sight near his shoulder if he wears a loose shirt.  It’s too possessive for what’s supposed to be sex between friends, but he pushes the thought aside.

Danny captures his mouth again, one hand braced on the headboard for balance as Roy unzips his pants and works them down.  Underneath, Roy discovers high-cut briefs distended by the erection they’re barely containing, a wet spot forming over the tip.  He breaks off from the kiss as Danny’s cock is revealed, nicely sized and thick in a way that makes his mouth water.

Kicking the last of his clothes onto the floor, Danny sits back on his heels.He’s not blushing now as he pulls the towel open, eyes drinking in Roy’s naked body with lust.

They’re both almost completely hard, and Roy wishes that they were doing this on a night less charged, not driven by raging need, and he could take the time to properly satisfy his own hunger.  Wishes he could stroke and caress and fondle until Danny whimpers with need, coax him to the edge and through orgasm.  Wants to catalogue every moan and sigh and commit them to memory for when tonight is over.

Roy reminds himself yet again that it isn’t about what he wants (needs), has to stay focused on giving Danny a way to release the tension still burning under his skin.

This is normally the part where Roy bears his partner down to the sheets, gentle but firm and promising them a good time. Instead, he reaches for the nightstand drawer, setting lube and a condom on the sheets between them before laying back and drawing his knees up until his feet are flat on the bed.

“Go ahead.”

Danny settles between his thighs, caresses his hips in a way that makes Roy shiver and his cock twitch against his stomach. 

“Can I?”

It takes a moment to register what he’s asking. 

“Yeah.Yes.”  He sounds - feels - breathless already.

Hesitant fingers close around his erection, stroking slowly.Instead of reaching for the lube though, Danny pushes him to lie flat before climbing on top.  Everywhere their skin meets feels like fire, Roy's nerves hypersensitive.  He can feel Danny’s heartbeat where their chests touch, racing just like his own.  

Danny nudges hot and hard against Roy’s thigh for a brief moment before wrapping both of their cocks in a firm grip and rolling their hips together.   Roy closes his eyes and lets his hands wander, pretends that this is their normal, that he has Danny in his bed like this every night.The friction is delicious, and he can feel himself beginning to leak, moaning into the kiss. 

Danny’s back arches at the sound, hand tightening.He pulls their mouths apart then, breathing hard. 

“We’ll be okay, right?” 

Roy half expected the question repeated from earlier.“We’ll be okay.”

Retrieving the bottle from the sheets beside them, he presses it into Danny’s hand.  He folds a pillow under his lower back, tilting his hips up.There’s the quiet click of the bottle cap closing, and he closes his eyes, steeling his nerves.

Spreading his legs further than needed to accommodate someone sucking his cock isn’t something he’s used to and the position leaves him feeling raw, exposed, waiting to be taken.

Except Danny surprises him again when instead of fingers he feels a hot tongue teasing his hole. 

“What- oh fuck...”

Danny gives him a few more licks, sucking gently and humming a pleased note against sensitive flesh that leaves Roy gasping for breath.He drops a kiss on his inner thigh, and then his fingers are cool and slippery, rubbing slick over his hole in slow circles.

Roy lets go of the sheets he was clutching and pushes himself up on his elbows.“You-“

His words trail off into a whimper as one finger works its way inside.Danny finger fucks him slowly, eyes never leaving Roy’s face.  He takes his time exploring as he adds a second finger, thumb coming up to apply pressure on the swell between balls and ass.

“...oh fuck...You don’t have to, I already- you can just-“  

“Shhh, I want to.You’re letting me do this.I know what it means.” 

The unexpected tenderness wraps his heart in warmth and he stores it away carefully.He shouldn’t be surprised.

“Is there anything you don’t like?Boundaries?”

Being Danny means he’s going to talk no matter how awkward the situation, but Roy appreciates the distraction even if it’s not necessary.  

“Usually it’s nothing up my ass.But since we're past that...from you?I don’t think you’ll find them.”  

(The last time someone tried to slip a finger in without warning, he’d nearly literally kicked them in the head before ejecting said person from the bed.)

Danny strokes more lube inside of him, thumb caressing the rim of his hole.  It should have been ridiculous to be having a conversation when Danny has three fingers up his ass, but it works.Nothing else about the situation followed rules either.

“Tell me anyway.”

It takes a few seconds to organize his thoughts, distracted by the slick feeling of lube between his thighs and fingers stretching him open.  It’s not particularly pleasurable, but it’s also not as uncomfortable as he remembers.Years of being in control in bed don’t readily produce any limits he can imagine Danny crossing even with the kinkiest sexual acts he’s described.  

“Biting and scratching is fine, just don’t make me bleed.Not into choking.Stop if I tell you to.Other than that?I trust you.”

“ ‘Kay.  Promise you’ll say if I’m hurting you?”

”You won’t.”

The look Danny levels at him means they’re both well aware that it might not be the case. He doesn’t press further though, just pours more lube directly on his hole and uses his free hand to pull Roy’s thighs to drape over his own.

“Is that enough?”

“Yeah.I’m...yeah.”  He's physically prepped, but his heart is another matter.

He can’t suppress the whimper as Danny’s fingers slide out, the unfamiliar feeling of emptiness making him squirm.   Danny wipes his hand on the towel and pauses, biting his lip and fidgeting with the foil packet.

"Do you uhhh, want me to blow you first?"

While he would very, very much like to know what those pouty lips felt like wrapped around his dick, it’s not about him tonight.Despite the deliberate slowness, Danny is fully hard, cock shiny with the pre-come leaking profusely down his shaft.Roy appreciates it more than he’s willing to admit, but knows the strain of controlling himself can’t be easy.

Focusing on projecting calm even as the thought makes his cock twitch, he shrugs.“You don’t have to.”  He wants to say yes, because this might be the only chance he ever has.There’s always the possibility that things will turn completely awkward after this, even though he would gladly give up all of the Drag Race fame, burn Bianca’s dresses and destroy his sewing machine, if it meant he could keep Danny. 

“Next time?” 

He’d like to think it isn’t just wishful thinking that makes Danny’s voice sound hopeful.

”Sure.” 

“Can I kiss you during...or do you need to not face...I mean, I want to kiss you but I won’t if you don’t like it?”  Roy wonders if Danny always talks to his partners this much before fucking them.  Consent is good, but in his experience if the situation was different (if he liked bottoming as much as Shane does) he would be going mad waiting.

“Yeah, I like kissing.I’m not a professional ho.” They share a smile as he puts on his best Trinity K. Bonet inflection.“And this is fine, from behind, whatever you want.This ain't my first time, you’re not gonna break me.”

Danny rolls the condom on and virtually drenches his cock in lube, wincing a little at the temperature.He stills awkwardly after that, holding the back of Roy’s thigh and looking uncharacteristically hesitant.

Roy can see him thinking, and decides that a little leading on his part won’t be a bad thing.He sits up and nudges Danny over onto his back, smiling a little at his surprised expression.

“Uhhhh...”

“I said I was bottoming.But I haven’t done this in-“ _years,_ “- a while.  So I'll just take care of this part...”

Forcing a calm he doesn’t feel, Roy moves to kneel over Danny’s lap.  With one hand on his shoulder for balance, he reaches down and gives Danny a couple of strokes  (his cock, hard and throbbing and thick, and fuck, how is it going to _fit_?)  and shifts forward until the tip is resting against his hole.Taking a deep breath and reminding himself of all of the things he’s whispered to his partners to soothe them onto his cock, he slowly sinks down. 

He has to stop halfway, muscles protesting at the unfamiliar burning stretch despite the thorough fingering and stretching himself in the bathroom before coming to bed.   Danny’s hands come up to rest on his upper thighs, and his thumbs trace circles around each hipbone as Roy hisses in discomfort.It’s a motion that he’s used himself more than once when someone isn’t ready to take his full length, gentle support and a little distraction.

”So fucking tight.” Danny’s fingers clench his thighs in response, then curve under the straining muscles of his ass, taking some of his weight.  “You were serious.”

Roy isn’t one to slip in a toy or finger himself when he’s jerking off, and tries to remember the last time.  It must have been with... He shies away from the memory, still too laced with betrayal and hurt to face years later, and not somewhere he wants to go tonight.  

Danny’s breath hitches as he slides further down, followed by a throaty groan when he bottoms out. 

Neither of them move for the space of several breaths, until tattooed fingers cup his jaw and tilt his head up.His eyes have been fixed on the swirls of ink visible on each shoulder, and Roy slowly looks up. 

Danny’s lower lip is caught between his teeth as they lock eyes, a tiny frown creasing his forehead.His expression is too full of  something, and for a moment Roy wishes he'd just gotten on his hands and knees and told him to fuck him like trade because he can't breathe when Danny is looking at him like that.Not when his eyes are promising things that he’s wanted to hear for so long and is absolutely terrified of facing. 

He closes his eyes again briefly at the sharp twitch of hips that can only be a suppressed urge to thrust, clenching involuntarily and evoking a broken moan from Danny.Propped up by the pillows - and Roy is never going to be able to look at the grey striped silk the same way after tonight - Danny shifts his weight carefully, hands rubbing his sides before returning to the small of his back.

“B?Are you...?”Calling him that in bed should sound out of place, but it serves to remind him again that this is Dan, is Adore, and she, he would never deliberately hurt him.

Needs him.

" 'm ok.Just," he rolls his eyes at how cliche he's going to sound, "you're big." 

That summons a wicked Adore smile, the kind that makes audiences scream and beg for her touch.

”So are you.”  They both look down to where he’s resting soft against Danny’s stomach and he fights the urge to be embarrassed.   

”-really glad you’re not topping me tonight.”  Danny is still talking, but stops when he sees Roy’s expression.   He never really has performance problems in bed, but he can count the number of times he's bottomed on both hands and not use all ten fingers.Tonight he hadn't been planning on worrying about himself.

”Hey.”  Danny pinches him gently on the side, pulling Roy out of his own head.  “Stop thinking so hard.  I can fix that.”

Licking his palm, Danny wraps his fingers around Roy’s cock, squeezing and stroking as they kiss, coaxing him back into a weak erection.

“Good?”

”Yeah.”

Roy rocks his hips carefully, watching as Danny’s eyes fall half closed, sex-drunk.  He’s expecting it when Danny rolls them over, hooking Roy’s legs over his arms to spread him further open, sliding in even deeper.  Danny pins his wrists to the bed and he has to fight the urge to resist.  Despite his best efforts, Danny picks up on the flinch and stills, letting go of his wrists.  He grabs for the bottle half hidden under the pillows and pours on more lube.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.” 

The first few thrusts are shallow and careful.  Danny’s cock is larger than average and thick, and even lost in passion he seems to be holding back.

"Am I... 'm I - does it - hurt?"

Tilting his hips up to give Danny a better angle, Roy reaches up to grip the headboard and spreads his legs as wide as he can manage.

" 's fine.   Come on.”

The next thrust is more forceful, and Roy feels a spark of lightning race up his spine when Danny pulls almost all the way out until just the head is stretching his hole open.  He slips an arm under and around Roy’s waist, lifting him further off the bed and slides back in on a single powerful stroke.  Grinding their hips together, he starts a series of short, sharp thrusts, barely pulling out before pushing back in.  

He can’t control the high pitched whine that escapes every time Danny bottoms out and his hands abandon the headboard to scrabble for purchase against Danny’s shoulders, slipping on skin slick with sweat.  Danny is whispering expletives and gasps with every stroke, and the sound of his voice, husky and fucked out already, is enough to keep Roy’s arousal simmering despite the physical discomfort.  He sounds like sin.

Roy likes to run his mouth in bed, although not in the way anyone probably expects.He spends ninety percent of his professional career insulting people and yelling, so when it's personal and intimate, he'd much rather give voice to other thoughts.Usually it's in the form of endearments and filthy, erotic praise breathed directly in his partner's ear while he's fucking into them, driving them both towards release. 

_That’s right, yes, open wider baby.   You’re so tight.  So good for me._

_Ride my cock, yeah, just like that._

_Going to make it so good for you.Just lay back, I’ve got you._

_Like that.Fuck, you know what you want don’t you?_

_Ready to come?Gonna give me your load?_

_Come on my cock baby._

Bottoming though?It's never been a pleasure, and he's always concentrated on not making too much noise in complaint while saying the right things to get it over with a minimum of delays.

Which is why the quiet whimpers Danny is forcing out of him with every thrust are...not precisely _embarrassing_ , but he’s very self-conscious about it.

A moment later, Danny leans down to rest their foreheads together as he stills.  Like the pillows (and bedspread and, frankly, Adore’s loose tuck) it’s not a gesture that Roy is ever going to be able to think about the same way again.

”I need-need more.Can I...?”

_Here it is._

“It’s okay,” Roy responds to the question that isn’t being asked, catching his lips in a gentle kiss, “you’re okay.Let go.Take what you need.”

A moment later, Danny pulls out and rolls him over face first into the pillows. He knows what’s going to happen next and deliberately relaxes before Danny plants both hands on his lower back and pushes in roughly.

There’s enough lube that the friction doesn’t burn, but the force behind it is jarring.  It doesn’t necessarily hurt, but without seeing Danny the connection isn’t there and every physical discomfort comes crashing back down.  

This is why he didn’t ask to be fucked like trade, facedown and reduced to a warm hole to use.  Except, the traitorous voice of doubt reminds him, it sort of is what he offered.  For once, the Bianca part of his brain doesn’t have an immediate counter and he grits his teeth around the edge of the pillow to stifle his cries.  

The fingers of one hand tangle in his short hair, yanking his head back sharply.Danny shoves his other arm under his chest, knocking his elbows aside until he collapses under their combined weight, anchoring long fingers over his collarbone.  Roy grips the edge of the mattress for lack of anything else to hold onto.He’s vaguely aware that his own cock has gone soft, even with rubbing against the sheets.

Danny’s thighs are spread wide over his ass, knees to each side of his hips and feet hooked over the backs of his legs for leverage.At this angle his cock feels huge, every thrust of his hips driving in a little deeper.  

Roy might be able to push him off if he needed to, but it would be difficult.

This is why he doesn’t usually take anyone to bed who can physically overpower him.  He knows that Danny would stop without hesitation if he asked him to, but it doesn’t counter the memories of why he hasn’t bottomed in years.

“So fucking tight.Made for my cock, take it, take it...” Danny’s probably not even aware of what he’s saying, but the words cut through the haze of rising panic, reminding him who he’s with.  Reminds him why he’s doing this.

Most of his weight is on Roy’s back, and he’s probably leaving bruises where his teeth are pressed into the muscle of his shoulder.He’s panting out every thrust with low groans and obscenities, hips pounding their bodies together.

The rhythm of their fucking is sliding them across the bed, sheets pulled up and pillows scattered.   In the process Danny’s hand somehow slips upwards, catching on Roy’s chin and thumb accidentally pressing into his throat.

“No,” he forces out past clenched teeth, aware that Danny didn’t mean to but needing to be clear.He’s ready to bite the fingers wrapped over his chin to be sure the message made it through, but Danny pulls his hand back down immediately.

The relentless fucking has lost some of its urgency.  Roy works one arm free from under his body, curving his wrist awkwardly until he can reach Danny’s hand now resting on his chest, squeezing their fingers together as best he can.

He knows it’s a gamble, that the jumble of feelings wrapped up in sex might still not be enough to help him let go.  They’ve moved far enough over the sheets that he can see Danny’s face in the mirror over the dresser.  His eyes are squeezed shut, and Roy catches the barest hint of tears clinging to his lashes.  

Almost there, but still holding on to something.

Pulling their joined hands up a few inches, Roy strains against the grip on his hair until he’s able to press a kiss onto Danny’s palm.  He repeats the gesture, completely at odds with the rough fucking.

“It’s okay,” he throws his head back as far as possible, seeing Danny’s face contorted in an expression that might be ecstasy or agony.  Green-gold eyes meet his and the next thrust is accompanied by a moan that’s half sob as Danny’s hips stutter. 

“Adore,” Roy whispers, “let go.”

The dam breaks.


	8. You're safe, my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short update while I work on editing the ending. I promise there will be enough comfort to balance all of the hurt. At least two more chapters are on their way.

Roy uses the five seconds between Danny’s first hitching inhale and full on sob to turn over.  Without the grip on his hair forcing his head back, he’s able to pull his lower body forward and twist around underneath.  It takes some awkward contortion, and there’s a very uncomfortable moment as Danny slips free from his body, but he ruthlessly ignores the sharp flare of pain and focuses on being ready to catch him as he collapses.

Danny isn’t pretty when he cries.  The sobs shaking his whole body sound like they’ve been wrenched from the depth of his heart, and Roy feels horribly useless in that moment.  He’s got both arms wrapped around Danny’s torso, cradling him between his thighs, but he needs to find a new position for them soon.  Now that he’s no longer holding himself up, Danny’s weight combined with the way he’s clinging to Roy is making it increasingly difficult to breathe.  

Bracing his heel against the headboard gives him enough leverage to roll them over completely.  Danny's face stays hidden against his throat, gasping for breath and tears smearing hot over his collarbone.  His neck is bent at an awkward angle, and Roy reaches for a pillow to tuck underneath his head, lips pressed to Danny’s temple as he eases him down onto it. 

The air conditioning chooses that moment to kick on, Danny shivering violently as the cold air hits sweaty skin.  They’ve managed to fuck half the covers off the bed, and Roy is grateful for it as he only has to grab the edge of the blanket to flip it over them both, tucking it around Danny's shoulders in the hopes that the physical act of shelter and warmth will help.   

He can feel Danny’s mouth moving against his skin, whatever he’s trying to say choked off and interrupted by every fresh wave of tears.  

”Shhhhh.  I’m here, my love.  I’ve got you.”

He repeats the words over and over, hand sliding down from Danny’s hair to rub and knead his shoulder as he gently rocks them back and forth.  His other hand and wrist are falling asleep, pinned between Danny’s spine and the bed, but it doesn't matter.  He can taste the slight metallic tang of blood where he must have bitten his lip trying to control his own emotions in reaction.  As he tightens his knees on either side of Danny’s hips, he’s struck by the similarity of position from that night in a hotel room months ago.  Then as now, Danny is crying his eyes out, and Roy hopes that this time he’ll be able to give him what he needs.

“I’m here.  You’re safe.  I’ve got you.” 

Roy’s chest is damp with Danny’s tears and he thinks about the symbolism of them tracing over his heart.  

 


	9. Storm at sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight detour from the narrative and a perspective switch - a glimpse of Danny's thoughts and feelings.

When the tears finally break free, Danny isn’t sure what he’s going to do after this or where he’s going.  He has no idea if or how this night is going to change them.

What he is sure of, without any doubt, is that in that moment he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.  

There’s been such a complicated mess of things he’s held back for months that he didn’t think he could face.  Didn’t want to face, because examining even the slightest bit feels like too much.  It’s not something he could figure out a little at a time, slowing the hurt into a manageable size, and it's so complicated that he isn't even sure he knows what all of it actually is.  And so he turned and ran.  Ran from confronting himself, fully aware that by doing so he was only prolonging the inevitable.  

He’s a fucking Libra and should know better than to try and escape.  He does know better, even as he shoved the thoughts behind a door, even knowing full well that he couldn’t keep them locked away forever.  

Alcohol helps sometimes, numbing the edges and taking away his ability to think.  Getting high lets him rise above the steel vault he’d built in his mind, detached and looking down on himself but still too afraid.  Going out and getting laid makes him forget, but even that oblivion is temporary and brings its own risks.

Transforming into Adore is usually the one place he can completely escape whatever is plaguing Danny.  Every layer of makeup is like one of armor, wrapping himself in her magic.  All Stars should have been a chance to mend himself, shore up those walls by focusing on the competition.  Except everything went so completely wrong from the very beginning.  

He’d known when he called Roy with the news that he didn’t think it was a good idea.  He did a good job of hiding it with dry sarcasm, but despite all of the jokes about being a bit slow, Danny can still read Roy.  Anyone else would probably have left Danny to his own devices, or tried to talk him out of it.  Roy did neither of those.

As with anything else, Roy might not have agreed, but once he saw that Danny’s path was set, he poured himself into smoothing the way.  (“If you’re sure you want to do it, like fuck am I gonna let you do it alone.”) Instead of telling him not to, he’d thrown the full force of Hurricane Bianca behind Adore, loaning bits from Bianca’s extensive collection of drag, giving feedback on ideas, even fitting a couple of new looks in less time than should have been physically possible.  

Danny wanted to shine, to be worthy of the kind of care that Roy so casually shows him.  Thought he could use All Stars to not only reset his own equilibrium, but to quiet the voice repeating every bit of negative criticism and judgment he’s heard since Adore hit RuPaul’s runway the first time.  

Roy, as ever, had been right.  Had expressed his concerns by asking if he was ready to go back into the pressure cooker lined in fake brickwork and pink tables.  If Danny’s claim of being prepared was true, he should have been able to stand against the unfair critiques, taking out the constructive bits and flipping a middle finger to the rest.  Instead, the harsh words cracked the brittle, fragile foundation he’d built, and when it crumbled into pieces, there was nothing to do but admit defeat.

He knew the moment he stepped offstage that he didn’t belong there, not with his emotional state in tatters.  He’d gone back to his room that night and cried in the shower until the water ran icy cold.  Spent hours curled up in a ball of misery under the covers, wishing for his mom or Courtney or Darienne to help him find his footing.  Wished for Bianca’s sharp but not unkind advice, her unshakable poise.  More than that, he wanted Roy.

Like a ship tossed in a storm, driven against the rocks by the wind, he’s felt so adrift in his own life lately.  Standing alone was never his strong suit.

Roy's a protected harbor, an anchor so steady that he knows he’s safe no matter what’s troubling him.  He lets him talk or not talk, asks the questions he needs to answer to see his way to a solution or decision.  And Danny trusts him completely, to put him back together if he shakes himself apart, pouring love in to fill the broken bits.   

He knows Roy loves him fiercely.  That was and is never in question.  

What he’s less clear on, is if Roy would even be interested in that way, if wants Danny as desperately as Danny wants him. 

Innuendos are a quintessential part of their relationship.  Adore is a messy slut and Bianca has the filthiest mouth, so it follows that their humor is going to be sexually charged.  The difference is, the chemistry between them was never just friendly.  Danny’s known this since before the finale was taped.  He knows how lucky he is to share the depth and richness of their friendship, and it feels greedy to want more than that, but there's something always pulling them closer.

Adore and Danny are both generous with physical affection, and he remembers the delight in discovering that out of drag, Roy was much the same.  He used the excuse of being drunk or sleepy to be handsy, snuggling close anytime he felt he could get away with it, inviting himself into Roy's space and his bed.  It's become such a state of normal that Roy automatically gave him a key to his room on tour the nights they weren't sharing, doesn't bother offering him the guest room when he stays over.  Despite his complaints about Danny taking up too much of the bed, Roy is a cuddler when he's asleep, and Danny loves waking up with his head on Roy's shoulder and his arms around his waist, or feeling him pressed up behind him from chest to knees.  Best of all are the mornings (or afternoons, depending on how late they'd stayed out) when he opens his eyes to find Roy curled up with his head on Danny's chest. 

It's amazing, except for the fact that he wishes they were sharing the bed in a different way.  

Tonight, he'd gotten what he wanted, but even as Roy is whispering words of love and comfort, there’s still one thing Danny is holding onto, one thing he can’t let go.  Yet.


	10. Coming down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another short update while I work on the dialogue-heavy ending.

Roy waits until the huge shuddering sobs quiet into  whimpers and Danny’s arms locked around him relax just a little.  He’s been kissing Danny’s hair, his neck, wishing that everything was as easy as loving him.  They lay together in stillness, until Roy can feel Danny’s breathing match his, heartbeats in sync.

Eventually, Danny stirs.  By the bedside clock it’s been less than ten minutes, but it feels like hours have passed.  He pushes himself up just far enough to see Danny’s face.

“Hey.”  Roy has to clear his throat, hearing his own voice thick with emotion.  “Are you still with me?”

Danny nods, eyes tightly closed.  Blotches of dark pink color the high points of his cheeks and his lips are flushed red, puffy and raw with tears.  Roy frees his arm from underneath, stroking the hair back from where it’s soaked with sweat and sticking to Danny’s forehead.

They stay just like that for another minute, until Roy sees Danny’s lashes flutter.  Very gently, he uses his thumb to sweep away the remnants of tears clinging to his cheek.  

When Danny opens his eyes, they’re calmer but also sad.

“I don’t deserve you.”

”...what?  Adore...you deserve everything.”

_More than I can give you._  


	11. Give me tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Danny considers the night they’ve had, and what it means for them.
> 
> Title off Adore’s album Till Death Do Is Party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d set out to tell the story completely from Roy’s perspective, his feelings and responses. Several thousand words in though, it didn’t feel complete without Danny’s voice.

Being able to have Roy is beyond anything Danny had allowed himself to wish for, regardless of the how and why.  

The last few days have been a spiral of self-doubt and uncertainty, locked in on himself.  His mom hadn’t known what to do other than offering hugs and her love, after threatening to go to the studio herself and give them a piece of her mind.  (Imagining Bonnie taking on RuPaul made him smile for the first time in what felt like forever, but it wouldn’t change anything.)  She couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let her call Chris or any of his other friends.  Especially not Roy.

_“Danny, you can’t stay like this.  Danny?  If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s okay.  I’m going to call Bianca.”_

_“No!  Not Bianca.  Don’t tell her.”_

_“You-“_

_“You can’t.  She...I can’t.”_

_“Mijo, you need someone.  She’ll understand.”_

_”That’s why you can’t.  Please Mom, just...not Bianca.”_

In the end, she’d let him be, wrapped up in blankets on the bed in his old room, eating whatever was on the table when she pulled him downstairs, and sleeping the rest of the time.  Fuck knew, she had had enough of her own pain in dealing with him dyin- 

Even now, he can’t face thinking about it.  It’s more than just All Stars, but that was a metaphor for everything in his life.  And despite being safe in the warmth of Roy’s bed, he still isn’t ready.  

Roy is cradling his shoulders, fingers carefully wiping away the tears and body a comfortable weight from chest to thighs.  Danny feels grounded for the first time in months, the cracks in his walls slowly mending with every kiss Roy presses to his skin.  

They’ve had a lot of conversations under the covers together, from the mundane to extraordinary.  Drunk discussions and sober stories, confessing their hopes and fears in the dark.  Things shared in hotel room beds across the country and the world.  

Danny is certain that the conversation they need to have tonight though, may be the most important one they’ve ever had.  

He knows if he says he doesn’t want to, Roy will let him avoid it.  Will always let him make the decision, even when it’s something he doesn’t agree with, regardless of his own feelings.  He realizes now that Roy knew the act of fucking was a temporary escape at best, had tried to give him what he thought he needed to let go of the negative energy destroying him from the inside out.

This isn’t how he dreamed their first time would be, prefaced by his own breaking point.  Danny always thought if it did happen, it might be a drunken kiss that started it, the flirting and sexual tension finally come to a climax along with them both.  Or, the way he hoped for, tucked in bed together and brave enough to admit their mutual attraction, giving voice to it.

He’s loved Roy for almost as long as he’s known him.  It started with a corset and has changed and grown, so much a fact of them that their friends and drag sisters take it as a matter of course.  Danny thinks sometimes that they’ve gone about it completely backwards - best friends and confidantes knowing almost everything important there is to know about each other, and only now using their bodies to express it.

Danny isn’t one to hold back with feelings or action, heart not only on his sleeve but held out for everyone to see.  (He’s well aware that he cares too much about what others think, even as he claims he doesn’t.) He’s never been too shy to approach an attractive stranger, to let them know he’s interested.  Sex is natural and he’s not ashamed of it, enthusiastic consent followed by an enjoyable session and a kiss goodbye, no strings attached.  With that attitude, it should have been simple to speak his mind and, if Roy agreed, find out if the chemistry between them translated to physical intimacy.  

The reason he hasn’t tried to bring him to bed, is because it could never be just casual between the two of them and Danny’s not ready to... he’s just not ready.  He falls in love too easily.  Roy is already in a relationship with Bianca, in love with and committed to work.  Danny may be a screw up, but fucking things up between them has never been an option.   

He thinks about how Roy hadn’t understood the man he wanted was right in front of him.  Danny saw the wash of emotions even as he’d tried to hide them - worry, confusion, and so briefly he might have imagined it, agonizing jealousy.  Remembers the kiss he’d stolen, thinking that the first would be the last, but needing him so much and unable to find the words he wanted. Trying to flee, filled with fear to hope for anything different.  

Instead of pushing him away or explaining why they couldn’t, Roy simply changed the rules.  

Danny lost himself in touching, in the glide of skin on skin and the taste of Roy under his tongue.  Kissing him slowly, being allowed to _have_ was intoxicating.  Feeling that talented tongue teasing his nipples, almost convinced he could come from that alone, Roy pleasuring him with his mouth without ever laying a hand on his cock.

He'd stared at Roy’s cock after pulling the towel aside, thick and leaking pre-come that he wanted to lick, to feel smeared across his lips.  Knows now that it’s Bianca’s best-kept secret.  Couldn’t stop kissing him, aroused beyond belief.  Wanted to fuck those lips like he’s imagined while fucking his own fist.  Wanted to know what Roy looks like when he comes.

Danny had been a hair’s breadth from losing control and blowing his load as soon as he felt the burning hot tightness around him.  Seeing Roy riding his cock, being buried inside, took away every other thought and feeling except the need to have more.  He thinks about feeling the muscles tense underneath him, knowing exactly what it meant for Roy to offer him this.  

Being given permission to be rough, after Roy offered himself for Danny to use, was what he needed but not wanted.  Felt like fucking out everything built up inside and replacing it with pleasure.  Felt so right and also completely wrong.  

Danny wanted to do it the right way, to make sure he knew he wasn’t just another piece of trade.  The voice of doubt tries to push self-recrimination onto him for not finding another way.  It tells him that he’s weak for giving in to his physical desires, that he doesn’t deserve what he’s been given.  It’s a powerful fear and one he can’t quite silence.

The thing is, he knows that voice is wrong.  

Roy had laid himself out as a willing sacrifice on the altar of Danny's need, exposed and more vulnerable than he'd ever seen before.  Had let him be in control, because that’s what he hasn’t had in everything else.  

What Roy had given Danny, done for him tonight, was an act of love.  No matter what happens next, he’s going to remember that.  

Scraping together the battered pieces of his courage, Danny opens his eyes.


	12. I’m scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It reads as angst on the surface, but is the start of clearing up miscommunications to put things right between them.

Danny sighs underneath him, arms loosening around his waist but not letting go.

”You...this-“ Danny squirms a little against the sheets and Roy relaxes the tight grip his knees have on Danny’s hips.

He regrets it almost immediately after, because it spreads his legs far enough apart to remind him that there’s still slick dripping down his inner thighs and his ass has gone well past sensitive into sore.  Roy’s hiss of pain has Danny turning them onto their sides, worry written over his face.  A moment later, he looks down and grimaces, pulling the forgotten condom off his now soft dick and reaching for the towel still hanging off the edge of the bed.  Danny uses it to wipe up the worst of the mess of lube and sweat, biting his lip as Roy flinches when he carefully spreads him open to check for damage.

”I’m fine,” Roy mutters, tugging Danny by the hand until he’s sharing the pillow.  “Leave it.”

”Did I hurt you?” Danny’s voice is so small and hesitant that it breaks his heart all over again.

”Hey,” he gathers Danny close again, nudging their noses together, “no, you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”  There’s no tears, but the guilt he hears makes Roy sit up, wincing as he does so but determined to stop the self-blame.

”Look at me.  Please.”  He gives up trying to find a comfortable position and lies down again, waiting until Danny takes his face out of the pillow.  ”There’s nothing you need to apologize for.  Nothing.”

His hands are clenched around the blanket and Roy coaxes them to open, lacing their fingers together.  It’s a familiar thing, one he hopes will make Danny believe him.

“Talk to me, my love.”

Danny swallows a couple of times, seems to be fighting down a fresh wave of tears when Roy brushes the hair back where it’s hiding his face.

”I...you.  I didn’t want to be like that.”

Roy smiles gently.  “I don’t mind a bit of rough sex.”  He squeezes their hands, trying to convey through touch what words aren’t communicating.  “You needed it.”

With a half sob, Danny pulls away, backs against the headboard, knees drawn up to his chest and arms wrapped tight.  

“Stop it.”  He’s addressing his folded arms, face hidden.

”Stop what?”  Roy reaches out instinctively then stops, hand hovering inches away.  “Do you...should I not touch you?”

“What?”  

Danny’s head flies up, so fast he knocks it against the headboard.  

“Owww, fuck!  No, I just- “ he takes a deep breath, ”You’re trying to protect me but it means you let me...you don’t want...”

The very small part of his mind not focused on Danny contemplates grabbing the towel for Roy to sit on so he doesn’t ruin the sheets.  He ignores the thought, shifting to sit beside Danny and bringing the blanket with him until he can cover them both with it.

Bianca’s an expert on translating Adore-speak, but she’s not helping Roy understand Danny right now.  He tries what he thinks isn’t being said.

”Was it that bad?”

The weak attempt at humor fails miserably.

”That’s not- “ Danny breaks off with a growl of frustration, thumping his head against the headboard again.  “Fuck B, you always take care of me and I’m scared.”

”Of?”  Roy feels like he lost the thread of conversation somewhere along the way.

”You look out for me and do things, and you never want me to say thank you.  You fucking _bottomed_ for me, Roy.  It felt so fucking good, and I am so scared that you let me...let me do that because you thought it’s what I needed and not because, because- “

He pauses for breath, and Roy thinks that maybe he’s finally caught on.  Danny never uses his name like that; it’s B, Bianca, Yanx, Willow, or some other nickname, but never that.  He needs to say the right thing.

”I didn’t want it to be like this.”

Danny closes his eyes and nods slightly, as if to himself.  “I know.  That’s what I’m trying to say.  You let me fuck you,” he says the word as if he hates the way it sounds, “when you don’t, you don’t.  Don’t want me like that.”

“What?” Roy replays what he said, realizes how it could be taken.  Danny doesn’t seem to want to look at him, and he needs him to understand.  

Kicking the blanket off, he pushes Danny’s legs down and straddles his thighs, heedless of the burning stretch it causes in certain tender areas.

“You have to know I’ve always wanted you.”

“I- “

”You’re scared and so am I.  Because we don’t, we don’t talk about it.  Because I didn’t think you were interested.”

Danny’s eyes fly open again.

”You- I...I thought you knew.”

“What are you talking about?”

”That night.  The one you keep pretending didn’t happen because I’m too afraid to ask, the one I’ve been- the one I need to know what I did but I’m too scared to ask because I need you to know how sorry I am and I didn’t _mean_ to and -“

”Adore...”

”-and that’s twice I’ve fucked up and I’m so scared of losing you.”

”Angel, I have no idea- of course you didn’t.  It’s okay.  I thought you didn’t- I didn’t want to make you...what do you remember?”


	13. Pretty mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We know what happened that night, but what does Danny actually remember?

When he thinks back, all he can see are flashes of things.

...the hurt written across Bianca's painted face as she turned and almost ran from the dressing room.

...drinking and dancing and doing other things at the club.  Kissing pretty boys until Adore's lipstick was gone, moving from one to another because no one felt right.

...Alaska physically dragging him back to the hotel with a disappointed frown.

...Roy looking up at him, his beautiful eyes filled with confusion.  Not kissing him back.

...Roy completely soft in his hand, not even a hint of arousal.  Saying, "We can't do this."

Nothing about that night is clear, nothing until he woke up cold in Roy's bed and found him staring out the window.  There must have been a brief moment before Roy realized he was awake, because his reflection in the glass was unguarded, exhausted.  As soon as he turned around though, he'd smiled and gently steered Danny towards the bathroom and told him to shower, brought him coffee and Tylenol as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  

Danny had almost convinced himself that it must have been a really bad trip and while he probably had done something embarrassing, it wasn't anything to be worried about. 

Despite the warmth of the dressing room that night, Roy had stayed bundled up in his hoodie instead of his usual worn out makeup shirt, only shedding it to apply foundation down his neck and chest.  He'd turned to toss it over a chair, and Danny's heart dropped when he saw the string of bruises up the side of his throat.  A half dozen of them, angry red and purple, from his collarbone to just below his right ear.  Roy hadn't noticed him staring and continued his conversation with Manila, rapidly painting them over until all he could see was Bianca's flawless skin.  

He hadn't acted any differently around Danny that day or the next, hadn't physically distanced himself, and the bruises eventually faded.  Danny’s tried not to think about it when they're together and has been mostly successful.  Alone though, the feeling of uncertain guilt remains. 

Roy has always behaved like Danny doesn't remember that night somewhere in Europe, or else is an even better person than Danny already knows him to be and was pretending it didn't happen to spare his feelings.  And Danny, the poster child for no filter, hasn’t been able to bring himself to ask.  

He needs to fix it, not for himself, but for Roy.  Except every time he turns it over in his mind, he keeps coming up against the same thing.  Danny needs to know what happened, how far and how many lines he crossed.  Wishes he could fill in the blanks. 

There’s the crux of the problem.  He doesn’t remember. 


	14. I've got you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After thirteen chapters of hurt, here is 3,000 words of comfort and resolution. Tears, fears, clearing up miscommunications, and a whole lot of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probable overuse of the word "want". Oops?

Danny goes still beneath him.  For someone usually constantly in perpetual motion, being at rest for more than a few moments signals that he’s deep in thought, and Roy hopes it's not a bad spiral.  Two minutes pass, then three.  Roy is willing to wait as long as it takes, but suspects that Danny might need a little bit of breathing room.  He's been successfully ignoring his dry throat, and remedying it is as good a reason as any to move.

”Shhh,” he soothes as Danny stiffens in alarm when he starts to climb off.  “Just going to get us some water.  Okay?”

He waits for an affirmative nod before kissing Danny’s cheek and standing up.  Turning around, he pretends he can't feel Danny watching him with concern.  It takes a significant amount of effort to walk normally, if slower than usual, out of the room and down the hall.  

In the kitchen, he drinks three glasses of water and grabs a couple bottles from the refrigerator.  He catches sight of himself in the window over the sink as he’s rinsing the glass.  Roy’s hair is a mess, and if he’s not mistaken in the slightly distorted reflection, there’s a love bite coming up right where his neck meets his shoulder.  He looks freshly fucked (definitely true), and wonders if he should rinse off some of the sex smell (not a problem, but Danny might mind).

As he’s turning to leave the kitchen, Roy spots the paper bag of pastries sitting on the table.  He’d picked a half dozen up that morning, intending to indulge himself to get through the string of meetings scheduled.  Morning feels like days ago, not just a bit over sixteen hours.  In any case, he’s willing to bet his serger that Danny hasn’t been eating properly, and something ridiculously sweet might help.

Danny is right where he left him, staring unfocused at the far wall.  He startles a little when Roy deposits the bag on his lap, looking up in askance.

”I figured you might be hungry.  Sugar, carbs, fat, all your favorite things.”  

The paper crinkles under Danny’s fingers, but he doesn’t make any move to eat. 

”Don’t you want to...”

”Eat something first, I’m not going anywhere. Talking can wait.”

“I don’t de-“

Roy silences him with a gentle kiss, hoping that he'll still be allowed to do so in the morning.  

”Yeah, you do.”  He must have put just enough Bianca into the words for it to work, because Danny opens the bag and pulls out something covered in icing.  He’s just about to take a bite when he freezes, mouth open.  

“Ummmm.”

”What?” Roy looks up from where he’s retrieving the pillows scattered across the floor, stacking them neatly next to the dresser.  “I’m making an exception to my no food in the bed rule.  Gonna have to wash the sheets anyway.”

"What about you?"  A third of the pastry has already vanished, Danny licking his fingers in a way that probably isn't meant to be as suggestive as it looks.

"I'm not hungry.  Besides," he reaches into the closet for a new set of sheets, "you were doing most of the work."

Straightening, he feels another trickle of lube make its way down his inner thigh.

”Will you be okay if I go rinse off?  Hey,” Roy squeezes Danny’s knee when he stares down into the bag instead of meeting his eyes, “I don’t regret tonight.  I’m not trying to, I don’t care about being clean but I really want to get the lube out of my ass.”

It’s quiet, barely more than a breath, but it’s the first time all evening that Danny lets out a real laugh.  He tilts his chin up and the invitation is unmistakable; Roy gives him another kiss, this one sweetened with icing sugar and cinnamon, before turning to walk into the en-suite.

He closes the door partway, leaving it far enough open that he’ll be able to hear if Danny needs him and making it clear he’s not hiding.  It’s also closed enough that Danny won’t see him check the state of his body in the mirror.

The teethmarks on the back of his left shoulder and the side of his neck are a bit sore, but didn’t break the skin.  They don’t bother him when he moves his arm, so he files them away in his mental inventory and moves on downward.  His lower back aches where Danny had been leaning, but there’s no sign of bruising.  

Gritting his teeth, Roy carefully sets one foot on the counter and spreads his ass open.  As expected, the whole area is red and tender and his hole, like everything else, has obviously been fucked.  Really though, despite the discomfort, Roy’s had worse.  Even with the circumstances, Danny had clearly been trying not to hurt him.  The slow stretching on Danny’s fingers and overabundance of lube meant that despite the rough fuck, nothing is actually damaged.  

Satisfied and cognizant of Danny waiting outside, Roy steps into the shower and turns the water on the colder side of lukewarm.  The lube and sweat and pre-come dried on his stomach wash away easily, and he imagines washing Danny's pain down the drain with them.  He obviously can’t get all of the lube out of his ass without using his fingers, but it feels like enough that he can sit without worrying.

When he opens the door, he’s surprised to find Danny remaking the bed.  He’s changed the sheets (the dirty ones didn’t quite make it into the hamper) and it looks like he’s trying to determine which end is up on the duvet.  Roy nudges him towards the bathroom, making quick work of setting the bed to rights while Danny rinses off.  He gives the sheets on the floor a sniff before stuffing them into the hamper - they smell like Danny and sex, a combination that is distinctly _not_ unpleasant, but there’s something to be said about the symbolism of starting off with a clean set.

While he’d like nothing better than to slide between the sheets fully nude, Roy opts for one of his two pairs of silk boxers on account of his sore ass.  They’re soft and comfortable, and just so happen to be covered in cartoon illustrations of tacos.  He and Danny had stumbled across them while out shopping; he’d refused to buy them on principle, and forgotten all about them by their second round of drinks.  Danny hadn’t, and they’d made an appearance in last year’s Christmas gift.  They’re not terribly practical, but seeing them makes him smile every time he opens his underwear drawer.  (The other option was ridiculous clown-printed ones that Bunny sent him as a joke.)

Danny doesn’t take long cleaning up and emerges clad in the same high cut briefs from earlier.  He sits on the bed next to Roy, expression apprehensive but determined, fidgeting with the edge of the sheet.  They both start to speak, then stop.  

”This is weird.”  Danny sounds hesitant.  

It actually doesn’t feel quite right to him either, and it takes a moment for Roy to realize why.  He unfolds his legs from where he'd been kneeling and climbs under the covers, and some of the tension drains out when Danny does the same.  Roy reaches up to dim the nightstand light but doesn’t turn it off completely.

”Feels better like this.”

”Yeah.”

”Talk to me?”  Those three words are almost ritual at this point, and Roy takes comfort in having guidelines of their own making to follow.  It’s a count of thirty before Danny speaks again, and it’s not quite what he’s expecting.

“That night, you didn’t want me.  I- I remember touching you, and you said stop.  But I didn’t.  I’m so fucking sorry B, I-“

Roy pushes himself up on his elbows to interject, but Danny doesn’t let him speak.

”I have to say this.  I don’t know what else I did, but I know I hurt you.  I saw your neck, even though you covered it up, I saw.  Fuck B, I did something to you and you didn’t want me to, and I know you’ve been acting like I didn’t and I don’t deserve that, I-“

He stops when Roy rolls over onto his side, closing the short distance between them.   

“Whoa.  Okay, two things.  First, I was there for it too, remember?  Let me tell you what happened."  Danny’s face is unreadable, but he forges on.  Roy needs to choose his words carefully, because if it doesn’t come out right, he’s not sure he’ll have a second chance.  "You came back messed up on whatever.  Apologized for it.  You talked about me loving you, which I do in case you ever doubt it.  Whatever you took had you hard up and you kissed me.  I know you wouldn’t have without it.  Second, I honestly thought it was a blackout night.  I wasn’t going to hold it against you, so it didn’t make sense to bring it up.”

”Before you knew I was awake, I saw your face in the window.  You looked so fucking tired, B, but you acted like it was just another night.”  Danny looks anguished, sheets gathered protectively against his chest.  

“I covered up my neck because I don’t want you to see it and be upset.  Or embarrassed.  I was trying to make sure you knew it was okay the next day if you did remember, because I couldn’t imagine why you would want to make a pass at me if you were sober.”

”I did.  I do.”  The words are whispered, and he carefully stores them away along with a memory of Danny loosing the covers to slide closer, eyes soft and vulnerable.

”I don’t know how you could think I didn’t want you too.”

“...You didn’t kiss me back.  I know I had my hand down your pants and you said we couldn’t.”

”Adore...”

”I remember that part, fuck, how come you-“

”Because it wasn’t supposed to be like that!”

Danny rocks back at the force of Roy’s exclamation.

”Fuck, it’s all my fault.  Never should have-“

Roy reels him back in with both arms.  The next part isn't going to be easy, but Danny needs to hear it as much as Roy needs to say it.

”Listen to me.  What you don’t know is how fucking difficult it was to push you away.  I didn’t know what you were on, and I couldn’t take advantage of you like that.  Yeah, you grabbed my dick, and...I felt so fucking guilty, for liking it."

"You wouldn't have been taking advantage.  I don't remember a lot of that night, but I know how bad I wanted it.  Wanted you."

"It wouldn't have been right.  Not with if you weren't all there.  I have wanted you for a very, very long time even though I was sure you wouldn’t be interested.”  He holds up a hand when Danny opens his mouth.  “But if it somehow did happen, I didn’t want our first time to be like that.”

Danny blinks slowly a few times, and Roy holds his breath, waiting.

“You were interested in me.  Like that.  Even though I was...such a fucking mess.”  It’s not a question, spoken quietly as if Danny doesn’t quite believe it yet.

”You don’t know how many times I’ve jerked off thinking about what you said about wanting me.”  Roy feels his face heat, but doesn’t regret saying it.  "Believe me, I do."

“And tonight?  We’re okay?”

“You know I don’t say things I don’t mean.  Yeah, you needed to get through it and fucking seemed like a good way for it.  But it’s not charity or obligation or anything else besides the fact that I want you too.” 

He nestles closer until they’re sharing the pillow, rests a hand on Danny's chest over his heart.  Danny's fingers are curled around his hip, thumb stroking the skin just above the waistband of his boxers and occasionally dipping underneath the elastic.  Neither of them seem willing (able) to stop touching.  

“We’re okay.”

"I don't want to hurt you."

"I know.  I don't want to hurt you either."

"I'm still gonna fuck up.  I know it."

Roy kisses Danny's lips once, slow and sweet.  "Of course you are." He waits until the words register and smiles when Danny finally looks up at him.  "So am I.  It's just...fuck, it's part of being human." 

This time it's Danny who initiates the kiss, still gentle but with a sense of underlying hunger.  He nips at Roy's lower lip, hand coming up to hold his head in place.  There's no urgency this time when Danny licks his way into his mouth, and Roy thinks he knows what Danny can't find the words to say.  When he finally pulls back with a satisfied hum, Roy can feel arousal just beginning to stir again in his groin.

“B?”  Danny licks his spit-slick lips and Roy can't help watching his tongue.

”Yeah?”

”...I’m still sorry I didn’t stop when you asked me to.  That night.  I never-”  

“I know.  I know you wouldn’t.”  There’s still guilt, and he can’t let Danny continue beating himself up over it.  “If you need me to say it, I forgive you.  But as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

”We were fighting.  You were mad at me, I remember you yelling at me.”

”I was scared.  You weren’t you, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  I couldn’t keep you safe.”  It's a difficult admission, not one that Roy has ever spoken aloud.

”It’s not your job to.”  Danny’s voice is soft, rueful.  “And you did, B.  You gotta know that.”

”It didn’t feel like it.”

“You always do.  My Willow.”  

His arm is starting to fall asleep, and Roy rolls onto his back, waiting for Danny to settle at his side, head on his shoulder and legs entwined.  They lay in comfortable silence, Danny tracing his fingertips over the hint of stubble on his chest and nearly purring in content when Roy busies both hands in his hair. 

“What’s this gonna mean?  Like, for us.”

”What do you want it to mean?”  

”I...could we do it again?”

”Do you want to?”

”Uhhh, yeah.  But do you?”

“Well,” he smiles a little lopsidedly, “maybe not my ass next time.”

”I like sex.”

”So do I.”

Roy's eyes had drifted half closed, and through his lashes he can see Danny turning something over in his mind.  His body isn't tense, but he's wearing the frown that usually accompanies reluctantly admitting he's forgotten Adore's lipstick or can't figure out why something won't work. 

“Talk to me?”

”I mean...I dunno if I could give up fucking other people.”  Danny winces.  “Fuck, that sounded wrong.  I didn’t mean it like that.”

He has an idea of where this might be going, and supposes that Danny wouldn't know the answer already.  He's not sure he does either, but there's only one thing that feels right.  

”I’m not asking you to.”  For one thing, it wouldn’t be fair with their schedules.  And Roy knows putting a label on it, demanding and forcing boundaries on Danny when he already has the only commitment that really counts, isn’t what they need.  

"I just, I thought... like, you wouldn't like me messing around."

"Are you going to be safe?"

"Uhhh yeah, of course?"

"So.  It's not up to me to tell you who you can and can't fuck."

”You won’t be mad?”

Roy pushes himself up on one elbow, so he can see both of Danny’s eyes, thumb stroking his bottom lip until he releases it from between his teeth.  “I’m not asking for that.  It’s...we’re not like normal people.  This is our normal,” he gestures between them, “and we make our own rules about it.”

Danny waits for him to settle back down on their pillow.  "You'll tell me if you're not okay with it?"

"I..."

"Promise me you will.  I'm...if it changes.  Or if you don't wanna with me.  Please, Willow."

He could insist that he won't ever be, but that would be dismissing what Danny is actually asking.    

"Yeah.  Yes."

“You know, you didn’t answer me.”

”About?”

”What _you_ want?"

Ahhh.  It's so much easier to talk about what someone else wants, needs.  Especially when that someone is Danny.  But he deserves honesty, and Roy sighs.  He’s usually the one with the quick mind and sharper tongue, ready with the right words.  Maybe it’s something they have to stumble towards together.  He tips their foreheads together, so close he can pick out the gold flecks in Danny’s eyes.  They’re so expressive even when he’s silent, and right now Roy sees cautious hope.

”What I want is for you to come to me when you need me.  Nothing changes.  Just like...like we do.  Everything.  But I want- if you do...I don’t expect you to-“

”B?”

”I’m not going to fuck up everything with sex if it’s not what you want.  But fuck, I will always want you.”

When Danny closes his eyes, he’s half certain that it’s all going to come crashing apart.  Instead, he blinks them open again and smiles his Adore smile, sweet with a hint of mischief.

”I get it.  We’re fucking awesome, and this is the best.  You’re like, I dunno, I always said we’ve got this connection.  And stuff.”

”And stuff?”

”Shut up.  You know what I mean.”

”Yeah.  I actually do.”

“I do wanna do this again without me freaking out and all that.”

”Yeah?”

”Yeah.  I know you don’t ever do this, and I know what it means, and-“ Danny silences Roy’s protest with a look and continues,  “and I wanna be able to come over and hang out and go out and do all the stuff we do.  And if we wanna, we can fuck.  Besides,” he grins with his tongue sticking out between his teeth, “I still want to suck your dick.”

Roy can't help the laugh that bursts out, all of the emotions and fear and hope and hurt and everything else dissolving into giggles.  They cling to each other, shaking with the force of relief.  When they're left in each others arms, breathing hard and smiling, there's really only one thing left to say.  Has only ever been one.

"I love you."  Roy's breath catches when Danny whispers the words, hearing what he's saying and what maybe they'll never say but they both know.

"I love you too."   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was going to end here, but after the epic journey I think these two deserve some non-angsty smut. Epilogue (and both of them!) to come.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for sticking with me through slow updates and angst. I appreciate each and every one of the kudos and comments - I've only recently started writing smut, and your support keeps me writing :)


	15. The taste of desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At long last, part one of their richly deserved “proper” first time. This was admittedly supposed to be the final chapter, but it turned into 2,600 words of foreplay and the last line of the chapter seemed like a good stopping point to post from.
> 
> So...part two (the last last LAST) will be on its way after this.

They fall silent after that.  Unlike the other silences tonight, this one doesn’t feel empty.  Instead, as Roy tucks Danny's head under his chin, he’s filled with the warmth of understanding and relief. 

It's much the same way as he's held him before on nights he needed comfort, or mornings they'd woken up wrapped around each other, but it's also completely different.  There’s something in the way their bodies fit together.  It’s more than their habitual lack of personal space.  Roy wonders if it’s that they’re both no longer holding back the things they’ve kept to themselves, fears and feelings that used to fill the proverbial space between their bodies even as there was never any physical distance.

He’s been cradling the back of Danny’s head, fingers buried in his hair and scratching gently.  Danny’s nose nudges the notch of his collarbone, and he shifts just enough to make it clear that he’s deliberately nuzzling at Roy’s neck.  The rasp of stubble against his chest is paradoxically both soothing and exciting, goosebumps breaking out as Danny’s breath tickles the skin of his throat.

“B?”

”Hmmm?”

Roy doesn’t lift his head, content to lay like this, just _being_ together.  He hums in minor displeasure when Danny raises his head off his shoulder, but quiets as soon as he realizes that he isn’t trying to pull their bodies apart.

When he opens his eyes, Danny is watching him, expression calm but clearly thinking about something.  He nods to himself, having come to some sort of decision.  

Roy waits.

This close, Danny’s eyes are liquid gold-shot olive, and he finds himself captivated by their intensity.  Slowly, Danny leans down and presses their lips together.  The kiss is almost chaste, close-mouthed and firm.  

”Thank you.”  He can feel Danny’s whisper against his lips, and for all that they’ve done tonight, that one small thing is deeply intimate.

”For-“

He’s planning to say, ‘for what?’, but the words catch in his throat.  This isn’t the time for self-effacement, when he knows exactly what it’s for.  ‘You’re welcome’ hardly seems right either, too casual.  Instead, he settles for a single word that embodies everything about his relationship with Danny.

“Always.”

Danny closes his eyes, a tiny smile curving his lips, and Roy has to kiss him again.  Their noses bump, and he swallows Danny’s giggle before pushing up on his elbow to deepen the kiss.  This time, he can feel Danny letting him direct it, responding but not demanding.  Roy nips at his lips playfully until they part, then fastens their mouths together and kisses him in earnest.  

Danny moans low in his throat, and the sound reminds him that neither of them had finished earlier.  Desire pools low in his groin, cock starting to stir in his boxers.  Roy directs him back onto the pillows, hands still buried in his hair.  Danny’s own fingers press into the hollows of his shoulder blades, eagerly tugging until Roy is half lying on top of him.  He tilts Danny’s head back, unwilling to separate their mouths for long.  Danny’s tongue darts against his own in teasingly short caresses, finally lingering long enough for Roy to suck.  

Whereas before he’d held back and contained his own want, now he channels all of the years of yearning, the deep well of desire, into that one point of contact.  He’s overwhelmed with the intense desire to touch and taste, to _have_.  It’s wet and chaotic, teeth grazing each other’s lips, and sounds absolutely obscene.

It’s perfect.

They pause for breath an indeterminate amount of time later (he could spend hours mapping every thing that brings Danny pleasure), panting into each other’s mouths, sharing the same air.  Roy leans to the side and delicately traces the shell of Danny’s ear with the tip of his tongue, delighting in the shiver it evokes.  He catches the lobe between his teeth, tugging gently on the hoop he’s wearing, before nestling his nose at the juncture of neck and shoulder.  Licking that spot produces a whine, biting and sucking a whimper as Danny arches up, holding his head in place.  The warm scent of his skin is intoxicating, and Roy stills for a moment, has to steady himself with the wave of _something_ that rushes up from deep inside his chest.  

He abandons his task with reluctance, but he has other places he wants to explore.  Below him, Danny’s expression is one of open want, pupils blown wide as he watches.  He traces kiss-swollen lips, enthralled as Danny catches a finger in his mouth, cheeks hollowed.  Their legs tangle together, and as Danny sucks and swirls his tongue against the sensitive pad of his finger, Roy can’t help rubbing himself against his hip.  He’s half hard and feels the twitch of Danny’s erection in response, pressing his thigh more firmly between long legs for him to grind on.

He pulls his finger free with a wet pop, tracing it over the pulse in Danny’s throat, moving down his chest and detouring to give a nipple a quick pinch.  The wordless exclamation it causes makes him linger, flicking and rolling it between his fingertips. Unable to resist - and greedy to hear Danny's reaction - he leans down and closes his lips around the nub, alternating soothing licks with gentle nips.  He's not disappointed: Danny keens, pitch sliding upwards the longer he suckles.  Roy switches sides, before pulling off to blow cool air over the sensitized flesh.

"Fuuuuuck me.”  

The needy exhalation makes his cock jump.  He continues teasing Danny’s nipples, massaging them until they’re peaked and reddened.  Danny’s writhing underneath him, hips straining upwards frantically, and Roy wonders if they’ll be able to control themselves long enough to do more than hump each other’s leg.

“Your tits are so sensitive,” he mouths against one, stopping to suck a bruise into the skin below.  “Wanna play with them for hours.”

” ‘M so hard,” Danny whispers, “fuck, that’s so good.”

Danny’s grip on his shoulders tightens when his hand follows the path of fine hairs leading down from his stomach and finally approaches the waistband of his briefs and the bulge they’re displaying.  Roy takes a moment to fondle him through the thin fabric, cupping his balls and giving his shaft a gentle squeeze.  He thumbs over the head where it’s barely contained by the elastic, indulging in the sight of Danny’s mouth falling open on a moan.

Not breaking eye contact, Danny slides a hand off his back and reaches for where Roy’s cock is tenting the front of his boxers, strokes him slowly.  It’s his turn to moan as the silk slides against his shaft, thrusting into Danny’s tight grasp.

They meet in the middle for a hungry kiss.  Danny expertly pops the button on the front, and suddenly it’s the heat and friction of his hand without fabric intervening.  Gasps and groans escape when their mouths separate, only to be muffled with every press of their lips.  Through half-lidded eyes, Roy watches Danny’s brow knit in pleasure, memorizing the way his chin tilts up, following and seeking to reconnect their lips whenever Roy pulls back.

Clever fingers tease the head of his cock, thumbing at the wetness beginning to leak from the slit.  Roy slips his hand inside Danny’s briefs, carding through the crisp hair (and oh does he _like_ Danny unshaved down there) and fondling his sack.  He’s distracted by the fingers twisting over his length, clumsily pushing the confining fabric down.  For a minute, the only sounds are of kisses and harsh breathing, the barely-there rasp of skin on skin.

Danny buries the fingers of his free hand in Roy’s hair, tugging his head back just enough to get his attention.

”B.” Danny’s voice is uneven, and Roy files away the whiskey-rasp of it for jerking off to its memory.

”-yeah?” His own isn’t much better, husky and rougher than usual, hitching when Danny bites the side of his neck.

”Can I-“ Danny breaks off with a gasp as Roy massages the head of his cock with his palm, “I wanna suck your dick.”

Forget the above, _this_ is what’s going to fuel his fantasies on nights spent alone.

Roy retrieves his hand with one last firm tug, licking the sticky pre-come from his fingers and smearing salty-sweet slick over his lips.  Danny isn’t the only one who wants a taste.  

He lets him rearrange their bodies until he’s on his back, kicking off his boxers.  This time, he spreads his legs without any reservations, letting his knees fall open to the sides.  Danny moves to kneel between his legs, underwear caught below the base of his hard on and half exposing his ass.  He frowns at the constricting fabric, and a moment later his briefs join Roy’s boxers on the floor.

“I wanted to suck you so bad forever,” he murmurs against the skin of Roy’s inner thigh.  “Always wondered what it would be like to swallow your cock.”

”Yeah?”

”Yeah.  I used to watch you untuck and imagine what would happen if I just dropped to my knees and sucked you off in front of everyone.”

He has a sudden vision of Alyssa clutching invisible pearls while Alaska observes and offers suggestions on Danny’s technique. It’s comical, but also deeply disturbing. 

“And here I thought you were just spacing out.”

”I was.  Trying to see your dick, but you never let it hang out.”

Danny nudges his balls playfully with his nose and wraps his fingers around the straining shaft.

”Fuck, I’d blow Bianca onstage if that’s what you wanted.  Let you choke me with your cock in front of a thousand people.”

The thought shouldn’t be as arousing as it actually is.  Luckily, he’s saved from examining that thought too closely when Danny flutters the tip of his tongue against the bundle of nerves just under the head.  Then he’s holding his erection upright and moving open-mouthed up the full length of his shaft with a feather-light swipe of his lips.  The barely there sensation is maddening as he avoids the swollen tip and leisurely continues working his way down the other side.  Over and over, until Roy’s thighs are shaking and he’s one step away from begging.

The forearm he’s leaning on across Roy’s hips is the only thing preventing him from thrusting up, and he idly wonders if Danny did that on purpose to extend the tease.  When he finally wraps his lips around Roy’s dripping cock head, he has to force himself away from the edge.  The hot, wet slide of Danny’s mouth in contrast to the way he’s slowly stroking what he can’t fit in his mouth sets up a feedback loop of pleasure that short-circuits Roy’s brain.

He loses track of time, of anything other than the tongue swirling around his tip and dipping into the slit, the jolt of ecstasy every time his hand and mouth meet, and Danny’s satisfied noises.  Looking down, Danny’s eyes are mostly closed as he sucks, pouting lips wrapped tight around him.  He looks equal parts content and greedy, suckling the head gently on every upstroke before plunging back down.

In the mirror over the dresser, Roy can see Danny slowly rolling his hips against the sheets, the muscles in his ass flexing with every thrust.  His vision blurs when Danny lets his cock slip out of his mouth and starts mouthing at his balls instead.  Then he’s suddenly dipping even lower, hands circling the backs of Roy’s thighs to move them out of the way as he licks over his well-used hole.

His sharp cry has Danny sitting back in alarm, searching his face for signs of pain.

”Fuck, I’m sorry-“

He’s already waving away the concern, shaking his head and grabbing the backs of his own knees to pull his legs further open.

”Doesn’t hurt.  Do it again.  Please...”

Instead of vulnerable, Danny’s lust-filled stare makes him feel powerful.  He takes in the whole picture - Danny’s erection bobbing against his stomach, eyes hooded and focused, the way he’s licking his lips.  

For him.  Because of him.  

His balls tighten in anticipation as Danny tips him up with one hand, reaching for a pillow to prop under his hips.  He licks around the rim before swiping over it with his tongue, over and over, the stubble rubbing against Roy’s ass and thighs almost too much.  He’s nearly sobbing in mindless pleasure, cock fucking empty air as his hips jerk, by the time Danny seals his lips against his hole and sucks.  

Later, Roy will worry that his mewling whimpers might have been undignified.  In the moment though, legs in the air while Danny’s face is buried in his ass, he’s barely aware of the sounds spilling out from between his lips.  

He’s still loose enough that there’s no resistance when Danny slips the tip of his tongue inside.  There’s sweat dripping down the insides of both legs, and his fingers keep slipping on it.  Danny takes over when it’s clear that Roy is too uncoordinated to maintain the position on his own, hands wrapping around the backs of his thighs and tilting his hips higher.

It’s hardly the first time he’s had his ass eaten (topping doesn’t mean he’s going to forego something that feels that good), but never by someone so clearly enjoying themself.  Danny keeps up a steady stream of appreciative murmurs, eyes heavy and lust-drunk.  The pleased humming makes him seriously consider the possibility of coming untouched from being tongue fucked.

“Need to- have...gotta stop baby, or I’ll come.” 

His voice sounds positively ruined, breath hitching shakily.  

Danny raises his head enough for Roy to see his lips, swollen and shiny with spit

”But I want you to come.”

” ‘Dore...” He’s been reduced to monosyllables, silver-tongued Bianca Del Rio brought down by, well, a very talented tongue.

Danny wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and sits up.  The confused noise is out of Roy’s mouth before he can even process what he’s objecting to.  Instead, Danny crawls up his body until their noses are inches apart.  He’s seemingly oblivious to the way his own erection is nudging Roy’s hip, leaking profusely.

“Wanna...I...make you feel good.”  It’s not coming out clearly, but he needs him to understand.  “Gotta show you. How much I- I want you.” 

Danny presses their lips together gently, and part of him thinks he should probably be weirded out given where his mouth has just been.  Roy tells that part of his brain to fuck off and returns the kiss, sweet and careful.

“B...”

He pushes up on his elbows, lets Danny wrap an arm around his shoulders to steady him.  It’s incredibly tempting to yield to his body’s demands and Danny’s coaxing, to lie back and just receive.  Normally his resolve is stronger than temptation, needing to see to his partner’s satisfaction before his own.  He’s exhausted, but this isn’t just another casual fuck.  This is Danny.

“ ‘M ‘supposed to- give you tonight.  Take care of you.”

Roy wonders what Danny sees when he looks into his eyes, if he can see the want and need and everything else he doesn’t have words for reflected back.  

He leans into the touch when Danny cups his face with both hands, sighing.

“Let me do this for you.  You...B, you always take care of me.  Let me give you something.”

“But-“

Danny nudges their foreheads together.  

“Roy.  I-“ He’s frowning, and Roy wants to reach up and smooth the lines away.  “I need to do this.  Please.”

It’s that simple.  He will always give Danny what he needs.  

“Okay.”

”...really?”

Roy huffs out a laugh, and he can feel Danny licking his lips as if to taste it.

”Yes.  Tomorrow though...” he fluffs the pile of pillows before settling back, “tomorrow is my turn.”


	16. The first time, done right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One final mega chapter, told from both of their perspectives. Porn with a whole lot of feelings.

“I just- wait, what?”

It takes a moment to sink in that Roy is capitulating without further argument.  He’s learned over the years (it didn’t take long) that Roy is an immovable object when it comes to Danny’s own well-being if it’s anything under or immediately tangential to his control.  And if it’s not, he has no qualms about making it so.  Despite the devil-may-care-fuck-all-the-way-off attitude, he’s been careful not to take advantage of that, not when he knows Roy will put himself in harm’s way to protect him.  

Danny closes his eyes, trying to calm his racing pulse.  When he opens them, Roy is watching him patiently, legs relaxed as they drape over his own thighs.  On second thought, Danny thinks as he sees the rapid rise and fall of his chest, it’s probably less about being patient and more to do with overwhelming arousal.  He looks so ruined already, hair matted into damp curls with sweat, face flushed and cock lying hard against his stomach.  His beautiful eyes are the very embodiment of “bedroom”, smoky topaz in the lamp light.

He’s been given the chance to do things the right way around.  The thought brings him a surprising amount of calm, lets him focus and plan. 

_I made him look this way._

Pleasuring his partner has always made him horny, but tonight he feels drunk with lust.  Combined with how Roy had let Danny toss him around and hold him down (he refuses to think “dominate”), well, it’s a miracle that he hasn’t embarrassed himself yet.  The sheer intensity of all of the other things that have gone unsaid is probably the only thing giving him a modicum of control.

He sits back on his heels, running his hands over the planes of Roy’s torso.  His skin is fever hot and slick with sweat.  Danny fits his fingers into the hollows between his ribs, runs them over the firm muscles of his stomach.  Traces the well-defined v-line (and holy fuck, being able to finally touch him this way...), following it past the crest of his hips where it arrows towards his groin.  Roy’s neatly trimmed down there (something that Danny doesn’t bother with for himself), framing the base of his cock.

Admittedly, Danny has spent a lot of time covertly staring at Roy’s crotch, whether it’s  making an excuse to be in the bathroom when Bianca untucks or eyeing the bulge in his sweatpants.  He's not a size queen, just loves the surge of primal lust on seeing a well-proportioned erection.  And oh, what a gorgeous surprise that had been.  

When she’d first met Bianca in the workroom, she hadn’t looked much past the surface.  Amidst avoiding her sharp tongue and misinterpreting her competitive energy, Adore hadn’t missed the slender figure even when padded out.  And it was padded out, because Roy had very little to cinch without it.  

Out of drag, Roy’s force of personality and judicious clothing choices made it easy to overlook exactly how slim he really was.  Danny knows firsthand how that wiry strength feels underneath his body.  Narrow hips and thighs make his cock look even larger, and if Danny hadn’t been scared that Roy didn’t want him at the time, he would have gone down on him seconds after pulling the towel open.  

A couple of hours ago, he wouldn’t have dared hope that not only did Roy want him back, but that nothing else between them had to change.  Since then he’s had the pleasure of feeling that rigid shaft heavy on his tongue, the hot grip of his ass, and Danny is beyond eager for more.  Roy’s cock is thick, curved slightly in a way that he can’t help but wonder how it would feel fucking into him.  

He’s not a natural bottom, but there’s been more than one occasion when he craves the feeling of being filled, wants to be laid down and taken care of.  And while vibrators are possibly the most wonderful sex toy ever invented, the stretch of his hole around silicone is never quite enough.  Not when he’s imagined Roy between his legs, fucking into him slowly, making him come.

”Pussyface?”

Danny starts, realizes that he’s been sitting and staring long enough for Roy to notice.  He’s frowning just a little, hands reaching out, and that won’t do at all.  He leans forward, thumbs stroking the groove where hip meets thigh, and captures Roy’s mouth.  Danny should probably be concerned that he’s already addicted to the way Roy kisses, thorough and careful, ready tongue and just a hint of teeth.  They’ve kissed more tonight than Danny has with some of his boyfriends, and he doesn’t have to think about what that implies. 

“Sorry, just enjoying the view.”

”Of my skinny ass?”  Roy shifts slightly against the pillows and fidgets with the sheets, a telltale sign that he’s using humor to deflect.

“All of you.”  

”What-“

Danny fixes him with a look.  He refuses to be distracted.  As much as he needed to hear what Roy had to say earlier, it’s his turn to listen now.

”You’re fucking gorgeous B, and nothing you say is gonna make me change my mind.”  

He wishes he had Bianca’s skill with words to describe what he sees.  

...surety of movement, every gesture confident, nothing wasted.  

...hands always in motion, fussing with fabrics or fixing a fan’s hair for photos, readily touching and petting and reaching for friends.  

...kindness and compassion in his eyes that he hides behind Bianca’s piercing blue contacts.  

...slim shoulders and torso, sloped and feminine in drag, devastatingly masculine out.  

The way he’d laid himself out for Danny, trusting and vulnerable, his entire body on offer.

Danny thinks the only way he might be able to do it all justice is in a song, but he doesn’t ever want to have to write Roy out of his system.  He shies away from compliments, so maybe words aren’t the right thing anyway.

He kisses his lips again, because he can.  Follows with a kiss to his temple, the high cheekbones, just under the curve of his jaw.  Next, he moves down to nip at his shoulder, brushing his lips in gentle apology over the darkening bruise on the side of his neck.  Gives both nipples a teasing pass of his tongue, smiling as Roy’s hand seeks his out, fingers loosely entwined.  Kisses the crest of his hip, the inside of each thigh, then grabs a pillow and settles between his spread legs.

Roy’s softened a bit as the mood changed from sexual to sensual.  Danny licks over his balls before taking his cock back in his mouth, delighting in the feel of it growing hard between his lips.  He hums quietly, then more loudly when Roy’s fingers tighten.  

“Fuck...baby, please.”

Maintaining eye contact, Danny hollows his cheeks around Roy’s cock, goes down until he can feel the head against the back of his throat.  Suppresses the urge to gag with practiced ease, swallowing around him until he starts to feel faint, then pulls back with a deep inhale.  Roy’s leaking onto his tongue, the taste of sweet slick feeding Danny’s arousal.  He keeps the pace slow, free hand cupping his balls and massaging just behind them.

Roy’s other hand is buried in Danny’s hair, not directing or pulling, just holding.  Present.  He starts to roll his hips, tiny upwards thrusts that barely rock the swollen head of his cock into Danny’s throat.  His eyes have fallen half shut, but he doesn’t stop watching, quiet moans falling past his lips.

Danny’s own dick went from half to fully hard the moment Roy hit the back of his throat.  The pillow gripped between his thighs is maddeningly insufficient friction as he humps it, but he’s too focused on Roy’s pleasure to care.

Some time later (he has no idea how long he’s been sucking Roy off), the hand in his hair tugs him up and off.

“Need you, angel.”  Roy’s voice is just above a whisper, throaty and low.

Danny frowns, trying to figure out why he’s not having his face fucked and wonders if Roy thinks coming in his mouth is impolite or something. 

”Close?  Gonna come for me?” He punctuates the question with a firm lick from balls to tip.

Roy pulls him all the way back up, pillow sliding out from between his legs and their cocks nudging together.  This kiss is no less hungry for being slow, and Danny can feel himself melting into it.

“B?” he murmurs against his lips, “Do you want to me to finish sucking you off?”

Roy’s eyes are blown so wide that there’s only the thinnest ring of amber left. 

“Don’t tell anyone I said this.”  

”Said what?”

Full lips curve into a filthy smile and Danny’s hips give an involuntary judder against his.  Roy lets out a breathless chuckle, low and inviting.

“Want to fuck me again?”

Danny’s eyes widen, certain he’d somehow heard it wrong.

”You don’t have to,” he tries to assure him, “I want you to come, this is for you, I don’t need to...“

“I know.  But I want you to.”

He needs to know that this isn’t Roy doing what he thinks Danny wants. 

”Are you sure?”  

Roy nudges their noses together, wicked grin falling into something softer.

”Yeah.  Can’t promise it’ll happen again for a while,” he laughs quietly, shifting underneath Danny's weight, “but right now I’d really like you to fuck me.”

He keeps his arm around Danny’s shoulders, stretches the other hand out to retrieve the lube and a condom.  

”You’re not too sore?”  

“ ‘m okay.  You didn’t hurt me.”  

Ahh.  Well, Bianca always did know what Adore was thinking before she even realized it, and the skill holds true out of drag too.

“You’re not just-“

“Pussyface,” Roy murmurs as he tears open the packet and starts to roll the condom onto Danny’s aching erection, “I want to come on your cock tonight.” 

“Fuck.”  

The image that conjures up makes his balls tighten, heat pooling at the base of his spine.  If he doesn't find something else to focus on, it isn't going to last long.

”Mmmhmm.”  

The click of the bottle cap pulls his attention downwards where Roy’s fingers are shiny with lube, rubbing over his hole.  Danny watches transfixed as that tight clutch of muscle relaxes, watches Roy slip in one finger, then two.  He slides them in and out a few times, lower lip caught between his teeth. 

“Fuck. I wanna...”

Danny pulls Roy's hand away to replace his fingers with his own.  He’s still a little loose from before, the clench of his hole making Danny’s cock throb in anticipation.  Fingering him earlier had felt intimate, Danny talking through his own nerves (and needing to know his limits).  Without that underlying tension, this is something else. 

When he’s satisfied that he’s stretched enough, Danny pulls back and starts searching the sheets for the lube.  

“Where-“

Roy reaches unerringly for the bottle.  Instead of handing it over as expected, he pours some into his palm before discarding the bottle on the nightstand.  Before Danny can open his mouth to ask why, he wraps his fingers around Danny’s cock, spreading slick over the condom.  The feeling of Roy stroking lube onto him is almost too much, and he has to close his eyes and will himself back under control.  

“How-“ he swallows to wet his suddenly dry throat, “how do you want it?”

Roy grabs Danny’s abandoned pillow, pulls it under his hips and draws his knees up.  He hooks an ankle around Danny's waist, urging him closer.  

“Like this?”

“Whatever you want.”  The words are simple, but Danny hopes he understands its more than that.

That soft smile lingers on Roy’s lips when he drapes one leg over Danny’s arm, even as he reaches down to rub his cock over his hole.  He tilts his chin up, doesn't need to ask before Danny slips a hand behind his neck and brings their lips together again.  The teasing continues, cock head almost but not quite dipping in with every pass, and he growls in frustration.  Danny swallows the protest - this is what Roy wants, and his body can damn well behave.  One last deep kiss, and then Roy's guiding him inside.  

His breath catches as he’s penetrated, brow knitting and kiss abandoned as his mouth falls open.  Danny presses their foreheads together, moan forced out between clenched teeth when he bottoms out.  He waits, tense with the effort of holding his hips still.  It feels like an eternity, and Danny tries desperately to think of anything besides the fact that he’s balls deep in Roy’s ass.

“ ‘Kay...” 

His eyes snap open at the ragged whisper.  

“Yeah?”

Roy arches up slightly, grinding their hips together.  The angle changes when he shifts, moaning as he clenches down, breath gusting over Danny’s lips.

”Oh fuck...you can move.  Please.”

Danny doesn’t have to be told twice.  Hiking Roy’s leg a little bit higher, he starts a slow rhythm of long strokes, pulling almost all the way out before sinking back into that tight heat.  In and out, inhale, exhale.  

This time, the kisses are sweet and their hips rock together carefully.He’s never fucked anyone else with this much eye contact, able to see Roy’s reaction the moment he hits his sweet spot.  The choked-off whimper makes his hips snap forward harder, and he can feel Roy trying to spread his legs wider, taking him deeper.  

They’re both sweating, skin sliding together.  He’s got Roy’s leg pressed nearly all the way to his chest, ankle braced on his shoulder, opening him up for his cock.  On a particularly deep stroke, he turns and licks up the high arch of Roy’s foot, watches his toes curl in response.

“Like that?”

Adore has her sex voice, laden with erotic undertones, but this here is all Danny.  He can feel it in his throat, the slight rasp that speaks of sucking cock, breathy and rough.  The question is rhetorical at best, given the way Roy is arching up against him.

”Want me to-“ Danny breaks off with a groan as fingers tighten on his shoulder, pressing into the bruise painted over his collarbone, the shape of Roy’s mouth imprinted on his skin.   “Faster?”  

Roy’s head tosses loosely back and forth in negation on the pillows below.

”Nuh uhhh.  Keep- oh fuck me...like that.  Just like that.”

Danny reaches down, hand sliding over the clenched muscles of his stomach to wrap around his cock, coaxing it back to full hardness, stroking in the same rhythm as his hips.  He swipes his thumb over the weeping slit, listens to the breathless cry it evokes.

It’s a struggle to maintain the pace when he wants so badly to fuck into him harder, faster. Remembers the way it felt holding him down and just taking.  

This is different, holy fuck but it’s different.  It’s more than just possibly the hottest sex he’s ever had.  

He doesn’t want to look away but can’t keep his head up any longer.  Clamps his arm around Roy’s shoulders, holding onto him tightly.  Buries his face in the side of his neck, licking the damp skin as he listens to the sounds of Roy’s pleasure, gasps and whines and impassioned moans.

”Fuck me...so good, oh god, yes-“

Danny’s cock has long passed fully hard, every thrust an exercise in controlling his own climax.  He knows Roy wouldn’t have a problem with him coming first, but doesn’t want to.  Wants to concentrate on fulfilling his needs, give him just a little bit of what he does for Danny all the time, paid back in orgasm.

He pushes himself up on his elbow when Roy pulls his hand away and starts jerking himself off.  Cradles his head in the crook of his arm, presses kisses over his face.  

” ‘M close.”

Roy’s whimper is high pitched, and Danny recognizes the sound of a throat closed off on the edge of coming.  The hand in his hair tightens, teetering on the line between pleasure and pain.

”Fuck baby,” Danny forces out between his own panting breaths, “Gonna come for me?” 

One more thrust.  Two.  A dozen.  

Then Roy pulls him down, crushes their lips together as his back bows upwards off the sheets in an impossibly tight arc.  Danny keeps his eyes open, mesmerized as Roy cries out and comes and comes and _comes,_ spilling hot between their bodies.

He ruthlessly denies his own orgasm, grinding their hips together as Roy rides it out.  When Roy’s hand falls nerveless to the bed and he collapses back onto the sheets, he finally lets his leg slide down and stills.

There’s only the sounds of their ragged breathing for the space of a few minutes, Danny petting and soothing while Roy comes down.  He’s still shaking with the occasional aftershock, clenching and hips twitching. 

At last, he opens his eyes.  Danny almost comes on the spot at the sight of his sated expression.  It’s...very that.

He starts to pull out slowly, knowing that Roy’s ass has to be sore by now, particularly since he has the sneaking suspicion it’s been closer to years since he bottomed last.  He’s halfway out when the leg still wrapped loosely around his waist tightens.

”...don’t.”

“Don’t?”

Roy raises a hand (slowly) off the sheets, tugs him in for another kiss, open-mouthed and wet.  He licks his lips when they separate, then deliberately rocks his hips.

”B?”

Danny’s confused, unsure why he hasn’t been told to get his cock out.  It’s a reasonable assumption based on his own experience - being penetrated feels amazing during orgasm, but far too sensitive after.

Once again, and as usual, Roy surprises him.

”I want you to finish.”

********

Roy waits patiently while Danny opens and closes his mouth a few times.  He’s floating in the satisfied lethargy that follows an intense climax, limbs slow to respond.  

If he had to guess, Danny is struggling with the physical desire to come (he’s still rock hard inside of his ass) versus what he probably thinks is the right thing to do.  Roy’s well within his rights to suck or jerk him off instead, or insist that he take care of it himself.   

He reasons that a physical release might be just as cathartic for Danny as the emotional one at this point.  He's aware that he doesn't need justification for wanting Danny, but old habits are hard to cease.

And really, what he wants most is to see what Danny looks like when he comes.

”You’re not sore?”  Danny’s found his voice, and he’s frowning adorably.

”Pussyface,” he pushes up on his elbows, “of course I am. But,” he tightens the legs locked around his waist, “fair’s fair.”

”B...I can go jerk off.  You don’t have to- I told you, I wanted to do this for you.“

“And it was amazing.  Beyond amazing.  Fuck, I don’t know when the last time is I came that hard.”

Danny twitches inside of him, and okay, he is definitely sore, but it’s more than the physical right now.  

“Anyway,” he quirks his lips in a self-deprecating smile, “I’m not so old that I can’t go another round.”

That draws Danny’s focus.  “What?  I didn’t-“

”You were thinking it.”

”...uhhh.”

”This is supposed to be what I want, right?”  He waits for Danny’s answering nod.  “Well, you saw mine, so I want to see your O face.”

Danny gives him a rueful smile.

”It probably won’t take much.”

”Well then, I’m all yours.”  There’s more than the obvious, and they share a look.

He shifts a bit as Danny wipes the cum off their skin with the edge of the sheet, retrieves the lube and adds more.  At this rate, they’re going to have to change the sheets again.  

“Ready?”

”Yeah.”  

Roy smooths his fingers over Danny’s cheek, chest tightening when he turns to kiss his palm.  It’s an unintentional echo of what he’d done earlier, and seems somehow appropriate.  Then he’s settling his legs more comfortably, heels crossed over the small of Danny’s back and resting high on the curve of his round ass.  

Surprisingly, Danny doesn’t start the kind of rapid fucking that would be a fast pass to orgasm.  Instead, he rests his cheek against Roy’s shoulder, hips rocking steadily.  He kisses Danny’s sweaty hair, concentrates on caressing the spots that make him shiver.  Roy keeps up a quiet stream of appreciative murmurs even though he’s sure his own body isn’t capable of reaching another climax tonight.  Even in his twenties, it wouldn't have been easy.  

It's less about the physical sensations, and more the way Danny's breath hitches when he bottoms out, the tiny crease on his forehead when he whimpers, the way there's the barest hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Love you.”The words are barely more than a breath in his ear, but Roy hears them as loudly as if they were shouted.

Tonight’s been too much emotion to properly examine the layers of meaning, so he chooses to take them at face value.  Anyone else whispering that in his ear while fucking, it would be a different story.  He wonders if it will always be this easy between them, dares to hope for it.

”Love you too.”

Danny twists until their chests are sliding against each other with every panting breath, slick with sweat.  Roy feels the arm around his shoulders slide below his back.  There’s a moment of disorientation as Danny lifts him up off the sheets, sitting back on his heels until Roy is straddling his lap.  

He opens his mouth to tell Danny that doesn’t have the energy to ride him, much as he’d like to, but pauses.  Danny’s expression isn’t expectant, more like he’s thinking about something.

”Hold on to me, baby.”

Roy does as requested, and really it’s no trouble at all when he wants to be as close to Danny as physically possible.  He locks his legs tighter around Danny’s waist, arms wrapped around his shoulders.

”Good?”

”...yeah?”

 Then Danny is shifting them to the edge of the bed, hands under his ass, and Roy is about to ask what he’s planning when there’s suddenly nothing but Danny’s arms and his own grip holding him up as Danny stands.  He takes the few steps necessary to press Roy’s back against the wall, pinning him there with his hips.  

He’s fucked against furniture, in the shower, used the wall for his partner to brace on while he takes him from behind.  It’s not a huge stretch to say that most of the guys he’s fucked could lift him, even if they never thought to try.  The same can’t be said in return.  He’s usually on the doing side of things, not the one being done.  

Generally speaking, Roy isn’t one to enjoy being manhandled, but Danny does it with such care that it only heightens the intensity of their lovemaking.  And it is very much that, not just sex, even if they’re not discussing that part of it yet.  Possibly ever.

There’s a few moments of waiting as Danny checks his balance, then he’s lifting Roy up just a little further before giving an experimental thrust.

He uses his arms against Danny’s shoulders to push up when he pulls out, but he’s really only moving an inch or so with every thrust.  Roy thought he’d been fucked deeply when Danny was on top of him; braced on the wall as he is now, his own weight ensures that Danny’s cock stays buried.  

Neither of them speak as his thrusts pick up speed, and he can feel Danny’s breathing match it, rib cage moving against Roy’s thighs clamped around his waist.  Harsh breaths skate past his parted lips, half exertion and half what Roy recognizes as the intense focus on chasing climax.

Well, he can help with that.

Roy turns his head until his lips are barely brushing Danny’s ear.  

“Baby...you’re fucking me so good,” he murmurs.  “So deep.  Made me come on your cock.

Danny’s whimpering quietly, and he continues.

“I think about you when I jerk off.  Imagine sucking you off, letting you fuck my face.  I’d let you.  Only you.”   

_Shit, where did that come from?_

_“_ Tomorrow- I’m gonna blow you while you’re still asleep.  Let you wake up with your cock in my mouth.  You’d like that?”

Danny groans, sets his teeth against Roy’s shoulder and nods.

”That’s what I’ll do then, see how fast I can-.”  He pauses as Danny backs him completely against the wall, fucks into him faster.

 _”_ Oh fuck- I’m...’m gonna come...”

Roy buries his fingers in Danny’s hair, pulls his head back just in time to see his eyes lose focus for a moment before clenching shut.  Feels him try to push his cock in even deeper, feels him pulsing inside as he comes.

In hindsight, he probably should have thought ahead and had Danny set him down or at least do it next to the dresser.  As it is, he’s thankful that Danny manages to stay somewhat upright after he comes.  His back is going to be a mess of friction burns (at least it wasn’t carpet?), and he grimaces at the scrape until he can get both feet on the floor.

Danny looks like he’s rapidly losing the battle with consciousness and gravity, cock sliding out at last.  Roy guides him to the bed, eases him down onto the sheets.  He’s still breathing hard, and Roy kisses his cheek before searching for something to wipe them down with.

There’s plenty of towels in the bathroom, but walking that far seems like a bad idea.  He has to settle for using what’s left of the bottle of water after he’s done drinking his fill, pouring it on the top sheet and using the damp cotton to clean the majority of the lube off.  Danny’s still too out of it to slide the condom off his softening dick, so Roy takes care of disposing it before anything spills.  

It takes the last of his energy to wrestle the dirty top sheet off, dropping it on the floor before crawling onto the bed.  He tugs Danny’s arm until he’s at least got his head on a pillow, fumbles for the light switch.  He’s too tired to worry about the slick that’s probably going to be dripping out of his ass, but he’ll deal with that tomorrow.  Later today.  

He thinks Danny’s already asleep, but he stirs when Roy wraps the blanket around them both.

“...B?” 

“I’m here.”

His voice is scratchy, and Roy debates for under a second before grabbing the other bottle of water.  He waits while Danny finishes, then settles back down.  Danny squirms over until he’s curled against Roy’s side, head heavy on his shoulder.

“Thank you.”  

“Shhh, go to sleep angel.  I’ve got you.”

It's late in twenty fifteen, and  the first night they fucked was also the first time they made love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who has joined me on this journey through Roy and Danny’s first time, I thank you immensely. Completing this epic couldn’t have happened without your encouragement and comments. Special shout out to jillybean2314 for sharing my love of all things biadore.


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